Usually this time of year is exciting for me. I liked putting up the tree, decorating the house, and being part of all the Holiday festivities. But recently I have been having a problem of being very unsettled. I cannot sit and try to enjoy something. It is kinda like not knowing what to do with myself. A fellow AA friend said that I need to find things I enjoy doing. I have plenty of things to occupy my time but I do not enjoy them. I have a whole craft room full of ceramics to paint, beads to string and other things but I cannot force myself to sit and do them because I am so unsettled and cannot enjoy things. This is a very uncomfortable feeling. As an example, I am having this problem right now. I have quite a few things to do around the house to prepare for my son returning home but nothing feels good. It is almost like everything feels so foreign. So I decided to sit and journal for a minute on here to see if this helps.
My husband is still in bed and it is 1:00. I need him to help me with the things around the house. He needs to vacume the upstairs so I can start to move our son's toys up there. It is frustrating to me when my husband does this. He complains so much that he has a hard time getting up in the morning, yet, he spends a lot of time on the computer. I have suggested that he start a bedtime routine. Like most things, these suggestions fall on deaf ears.
I am feeling overwhelmed by what I need to get done before my son comes home. I know there isn't that much and I shouldn't let myself get overwhelmed, but my ADD brain has a hard time sorting everything out. Prioritizing is not one of my strong abilities.
Finally, my husband is up. Let's see how much I can accomplish today.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
70 days and counting
Well, this time I really went overboard. I relapsed AGAIN. I had to go into rehab AGAIN. As a result of my relapse, my son is staying at my sister's for 60 days (which will be over in a week). I also had to find a new sponsor because my old one dumped me AGAIN. But as I have said before, I believe that God has a purpose for my relapse. What that purpose is? I don't know. Today I have 70 days of sobriety and I am still pissed. I love my new sponsor. We grew up together and I find it easy to connect with her. This is good because I normally don't like women so this is a big hurdle for me. One of my favorite meetings is a Woman's only meeting. I was scared as hell going to that one for the first time. (Like I thought the ceiling would fall in on me once I stepped foot in the room). Ha.
I have also been working on my depression and one of the things I am supposed to do daily is journal. As you can see, I have not been consistant at this blogging thing, but I will try. My format will change, as I am not going to keep putting all the questions and answers on here. It will strictly be about me, my recovery, my thoughts, the daily reflection, and other tidbits that I will decide as I go along.
For now I am going to bed.
I have also been working on my depression and one of the things I am supposed to do daily is journal. As you can see, I have not been consistant at this blogging thing, but I will try. My format will change, as I am not going to keep putting all the questions and answers on here. It will strictly be about me, my recovery, my thoughts, the daily reflection, and other tidbits that I will decide as I go along.
For now I am going to bed.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Step 1 - admitted - bble verse
Step 1 -We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
The workbook follows a more spiritual side and says "We admitted we were powerless over the effects of our separation from God - that our lives had become unmanageable".
Bible verse - I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18)
The workbook follows a more spiritual side and says "We admitted we were powerless over the effects of our separation from God - that our lives had become unmanageable".
Bible verse - I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18)
Relapse and how to read the comments
So I relapsed. A big one as well. I had 14 months sober and my husband still was not going to work consistantly so I drank myself into a 2 day blackout. My husband was home and I was honest with him and told him I either had to go back to rehab or try to wean off using alcohol. I chose to wean and I did it successfully. I now have 4 days sober and I got a startover token last night at the meeting where we discussed step one again. I am over beating myself over the head. My husband has not been to work all week and I am trying not to have too much anxiety over it. He does not drink but now uses me as an excuse as to why he isn't going. My sponsor pretty much said that is BS and that is like me saying I relapsed because he is not working all the time. I got him to agree to go to work in the morning and get the appropriate HR paperwork so he can take a short term dissability. So I am starting over in my workbook and typing it on here again.
As I work in the workbook. The bible verse will be in italic. Words directly from the book will be in regular type. My thoughts will be italic. The questions will be in bold, but my answers will be in italic.
As I work in the workbook. The bible verse will be in italic. Words directly from the book will be in regular type. My thoughts will be italic. The questions will be in bold, but my answers will be in italic.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I am feeling like shit today. I want to go strangle my husband for missing work 2 days in a row again. I am worried and anxious about his job. If he loses it, we are screwed. He doesnt seem to understand that he is the financial providor of this family and blames me for his own mishaps. "well, you had a doctors appointment" was the one today. I was going to take our son. I woke up with him covered on a blanket sitting head down at his computer desk. He says he is worn out. I told him if he needs time off work, do it the right way and go see a doctor and have them put you on a short term dissability. I understand he is depressed. He is now willing to see a doctor and go on meds, but I worry worry worry. Like today, I had a doctor's appoitment so he could help me come off an anxiety medication, and he used that as an excuse not to work. "I" am always the excuse. I am hoping his boss is compassionate and lets him have some time to work through his stuggles, but since I have worked in HR for so long at big corporations I know they say one thing and next thing you know, no job. So that is my major prayer today to please let my husband hold onto his job. It is our one consistancy. He got great reviews last year and now I don't know. I want to call his boss myself and tell him what is going on. In fact I might do that.
Friday, May 29, 2009
I hate these feelings
My husband only worked 2 out of 4 days this week and he does not call in. I tried the "non nagging" approach but it did not work. He is still in bed. He stays up until the wee hours of the morning gaming. He plays World of Warcraft online. This is like Dungeons and Dragons of my day and there was just a show on TV about people addicted to it and actually preffering their "online world" over their "real world". I don't work. This REALLY stresses me out. He supports our family. I cannot handle anymore. NO MORE CHAOS. I want out of here so bad. I can think about me and my son but add the extra burdons of my husband - I cannot do it. I know they say that God will not put you through more than you can handle, but God is pushing the envelope this time. I cannot be responsible for my husband anymore. It is hard enough to work on my recovery and my son and myself without worrying about him. I seriously think we need some time apart. He needs to work on himself and I need to work on myself. I have nowhere to go.
Workbook - week one continued
The book says:
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensatte for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood altering substances such as drugs and alcohol.
4. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feelings? Well obviously I used to use drugs and alcohol, but as I have said before, my crazy life began way before I picked up a drink. I can remember in childhood I used to lie lie lie and manipulate. I have seen this habit in my adult life as well. I have been trying to work on this during the past year. Sometimes I lie and I don't even know I did it. I have prayed that God would show me these before and after they happen. I know my whole family has been frustrated with me that I change my story quite frequently. This has been hard for me to break. The only way I can describe it is that I tell someone I bought two green trash cans and then say I bought two black trash cans. It is not that I am lying. I have the idea correct, just the details get mixed up. I try not to make excuses for this, but I have tried to figure out why this happens to me so much. When talking to my therapist she reminded me that I talk so fast. I talk faster than my brain goes. I need to try to pause before I answer. I have also used overeating as a way to cope. I feel like my whole life has been based on lies. I always want people to think that things are better or that I am something different than I truely am. I hate this because it has got me to this point that I am today that I really don't know who I am. I hyperfocus on things to cope. I overspend to cope.
The book says: God has given us free will. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfectiion means we need God, and that is OK
5. Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendecy to deny your need for healing. This one is a hard thing for me to answer. As an adult, although I am a Christian, I was constantly seeking ways to change. But I can see how my addiction, and before that my "life" got in the way of my relationship with God. As a teenager and young adult I was very involved in Church and the youth group. I think I used this as a show so everyone would like me. Back then I remember feeling embarrassed to seek help for what was really going through my head because everyone viewed me as something I really wasnt
The book says: Working the steps with God's help enables us to acknowledge much of our negative or repressed nature. This process is similar to sunlight and shadow. When we stand in the sunlight, we see that we cast a shadow. In the same way, as we begin to work the steps and measure ourselves by God's standards and principles, we see our need. We learn to look fearlessly at our "shadow"-that part of us that has been ignored for so long. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
Thought: God's judgment: we get what we deserve.
God's mercy: we don't get what we deserve.
God's grace: we get more than we deserve.
God doesn't have any problems, only plans.
6. What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow? The first thing that comes to mind is my inconsistancy with everything in my life. I start out with good "intentions" and only get lazy and don't follow through. I guess my next behavior is lazyness. I hate this. I also have the bad behavior of not telling the whole story or speaking before I think like I said above. I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people and manipulate. I am always thinking of "me" first.
The book ends week 1 with this: With God's power, the Twelve-Step program can be a tool to relive our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensatte for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood altering substances such as drugs and alcohol.
4. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feelings? Well obviously I used to use drugs and alcohol, but as I have said before, my crazy life began way before I picked up a drink. I can remember in childhood I used to lie lie lie and manipulate. I have seen this habit in my adult life as well. I have been trying to work on this during the past year. Sometimes I lie and I don't even know I did it. I have prayed that God would show me these before and after they happen. I know my whole family has been frustrated with me that I change my story quite frequently. This has been hard for me to break. The only way I can describe it is that I tell someone I bought two green trash cans and then say I bought two black trash cans. It is not that I am lying. I have the idea correct, just the details get mixed up. I try not to make excuses for this, but I have tried to figure out why this happens to me so much. When talking to my therapist she reminded me that I talk so fast. I talk faster than my brain goes. I need to try to pause before I answer. I have also used overeating as a way to cope. I feel like my whole life has been based on lies. I always want people to think that things are better or that I am something different than I truely am. I hate this because it has got me to this point that I am today that I really don't know who I am. I hyperfocus on things to cope. I overspend to cope.
The book says: God has given us free will. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfectiion means we need God, and that is OK
5. Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendecy to deny your need for healing. This one is a hard thing for me to answer. As an adult, although I am a Christian, I was constantly seeking ways to change. But I can see how my addiction, and before that my "life" got in the way of my relationship with God. As a teenager and young adult I was very involved in Church and the youth group. I think I used this as a show so everyone would like me. Back then I remember feeling embarrassed to seek help for what was really going through my head because everyone viewed me as something I really wasnt
The book says: Working the steps with God's help enables us to acknowledge much of our negative or repressed nature. This process is similar to sunlight and shadow. When we stand in the sunlight, we see that we cast a shadow. In the same way, as we begin to work the steps and measure ourselves by God's standards and principles, we see our need. We learn to look fearlessly at our "shadow"-that part of us that has been ignored for so long. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
Thought: God's judgment: we get what we deserve.
God's mercy: we don't get what we deserve.
God's grace: we get more than we deserve.
God doesn't have any problems, only plans.
6. What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow? The first thing that comes to mind is my inconsistancy with everything in my life. I start out with good "intentions" and only get lazy and don't follow through. I guess my next behavior is lazyness. I hate this. I also have the bad behavior of not telling the whole story or speaking before I think like I said above. I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people and manipulate. I am always thinking of "me" first.
The book ends week 1 with this: With God's power, the Twelve-Step program can be a tool to relive our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
From the mouths of babes
Ok. I keep getting up and doing something. Then I remember something else I want to say. I hate ritalin. I have to take it because I was diagnosed with a form of Narcolepsy and it helps my ADD. ADD is very different than ADHD. I wish I had the hyperactivity at times. Without medication I would want to sleep or fall asleep spontaneously and become lazy with a cluttered mind. But some days the ritalin makes me anxious and I tend to hyperfocus on one thing, usually my computer or a craft. I have been trying to redirect the hyperfocus to something useful like cleaning my house. Today is starting out like one of those days. But anyway I wanted to write about what my son said yesterday.
I smoke. I hate it. My mom died from it and she quit for 15 years. It is one of those things I know I am going to have to do for my own health and my sons. My husband smokes too. I also need to lose weight and I plan on doing both of these together. Anyway, yesterday I was outside smoking with my son playing with his scooter on the deck and he said "Mommy, you are going to die from those smokes". It hit me like a ton of bricks that he is so aware of everything. Redirecting his energy is another unmanagable of mine. CAN I PLEASE FINISH THE HOUSE FIRST!!! {smiles}. So my son knows that I can die from smoking.
Since losing my job at the preschool I have had a hard time keeping him busy here at the house. Again, having the house orderly will make things easier on me. I have a lot of plans for him while he is home with me but I am trying to finish the house first. Just this morning I had to listen to him yell and scream and throw a tantrum because he wanted his big Christmas Snow Globe out of the basement. I gave in and got it. I could not handle the noise of him, TV, and the every 9 minute alarm going off. Ugh. Right now he is ranting about going outside and climbing on me and yelling about whatever. He has a pretend friend that he calls his ghost. This concerned me for a while until my dad reminded me that my sister had a pretend friend to. Now he is asking me to clip his fingernails that don't need to be done.
I am going batty. LORD please help my brain. I should probably eat something. One of the side effects of Ritalin is I forget to eat which makes my anxiety worse. Some yogurt sounds good. I will be back.
I smoke. I hate it. My mom died from it and she quit for 15 years. It is one of those things I know I am going to have to do for my own health and my sons. My husband smokes too. I also need to lose weight and I plan on doing both of these together. Anyway, yesterday I was outside smoking with my son playing with his scooter on the deck and he said "Mommy, you are going to die from those smokes". It hit me like a ton of bricks that he is so aware of everything. Redirecting his energy is another unmanagable of mine. CAN I PLEASE FINISH THE HOUSE FIRST!!! {smiles}. So my son knows that I can die from smoking.
Since losing my job at the preschool I have had a hard time keeping him busy here at the house. Again, having the house orderly will make things easier on me. I have a lot of plans for him while he is home with me but I am trying to finish the house first. Just this morning I had to listen to him yell and scream and throw a tantrum because he wanted his big Christmas Snow Globe out of the basement. I gave in and got it. I could not handle the noise of him, TV, and the every 9 minute alarm going off. Ugh. Right now he is ranting about going outside and climbing on me and yelling about whatever. He has a pretend friend that he calls his ghost. This concerned me for a while until my dad reminded me that my sister had a pretend friend to. Now he is asking me to clip his fingernails that don't need to be done.
I am going batty. LORD please help my brain. I should probably eat something. One of the side effects of Ritalin is I forget to eat which makes my anxiety worse. Some yogurt sounds good. I will be back.
Rant
Almost 10:00 and my husband still has not gotten out of bed. I keep praying that God will take away my worry because if I start spinning in my brain it is really hard for me to do the next right thing. I am between laundry loads and I have to get it done before I can continue in the dining room. My house is #1 on my unmanagable list. Maybe it is my ADD brain that makes this so hard for me. I have had a hard time keeping anything neat and tidy my whole life. It is overwhelming and frustrating. I always wished those ladies from "How clean is your house"
show would show up at my door and help me. My old sponsor offered to come over to help but frankly, I am too embarrassed to have anyone over. My step mother bitched at me this week over this because I will not let them come over to see my son. She said if it is that messy then my son should not be here. That hurts. This time I am serious about getting it done and keeping it that way but it will take me a while to get it done. I don't think I will ever be a neat freak. I just want a comfortable house for my family that I would open the door to anyone that shows up and let them in. When I get going like this (there goes that fucking alarm and my husband hitting snooze), anyway as I was saying. When I get going like this, Itry to keep in mind how far I have come in the house and give myself some credit. Now the damn "I" button on my laptop is not working properly. sigh. I plan on having the house 75% done by Sunday as I would like my father and step mom to come over next week. My husband will be here to help. Although, he has taken the responsibility of taking the trash out on Thursday nights and it did not get done, so now it will sit in our breezeway until next week. Ugh. My nose ring broke again and it had not healed yet so I have to get another one. OK OK I am ranting.... better here than holding it in my brain......
show would show up at my door and help me. My old sponsor offered to come over to help but frankly, I am too embarrassed to have anyone over. My step mother bitched at me this week over this because I will not let them come over to see my son. She said if it is that messy then my son should not be here. That hurts. This time I am serious about getting it done and keeping it that way but it will take me a while to get it done. I don't think I will ever be a neat freak. I just want a comfortable house for my family that I would open the door to anyone that shows up and let them in. When I get going like this (there goes that fucking alarm and my husband hitting snooze), anyway as I was saying. When I get going like this, Itry to keep in mind how far I have come in the house and give myself some credit. Now the damn "I" button on my laptop is not working properly. sigh. I plan on having the house 75% done by Sunday as I would like my father and step mom to come over next week. My husband will be here to help. Although, he has taken the responsibility of taking the trash out on Thursday nights and it did not get done, so now it will sit in our breezeway until next week. Ugh. My nose ring broke again and it had not healed yet so I have to get another one. OK OK I am ranting.... better here than holding it in my brain......
Another mornng blah
I did not sleep well last night. Maybe it is this medication that I am coming off of or just one night. I don't know. My husband, again, is almost an hour late for work, but I promised myself that I was going to quit nagging him and let him be an adult and get up on his own. My son sneeked downstairs to sleep in our bed. My husband gets mad about this, but I really think it is cute.
After awakening, I fed my son and read my pages 86-88 of the big book and said a prayer asking God to take away selfish thinking or point it out to me when I do it. Asking for his will to be done. I ask him to show me what my next step should be during the day or "the next right thing"
Since I pretty much conquored my living room except some dusting and some clean laundry to put up I will work on the dining room and laundry today which should give me some more time to work on my workbook between loads and also work on step 1 (unmanagable list).
Right now my son is driving me a little nuts wanting my time. He gets jealous when I am on here or on the phone or doing anything for myself. I keep hearing the alarm go off every 9 minutes and my husband just hitting snooze. I have asked God to help me not worry about his job as this gets my head going in directions I don't want.
After awakening, I fed my son and read my pages 86-88 of the big book and said a prayer asking God to take away selfish thinking or point it out to me when I do it. Asking for his will to be done. I ask him to show me what my next step should be during the day or "the next right thing"
Since I pretty much conquored my living room except some dusting and some clean laundry to put up I will work on the dining room and laundry today which should give me some more time to work on my workbook between loads and also work on step 1 (unmanagable list).
Right now my son is driving me a little nuts wanting my time. He gets jealous when I am on here or on the phone or doing anything for myself. I keep hearing the alarm go off every 9 minutes and my husband just hitting snooze. I have asked God to help me not worry about his job as this gets my head going in directions I don't want.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Workbook - week one
I am working on a biblical workbook that follows the AA 12 steps. I plan to put the questions and answers on here. The questions are in bold and the answers are in regular italic type. I have also started to highlight some of the text for here as typing all of it would be too much for me.
1. Descibe your practice of prayer, Bible reading or quiet time. - I try to start my day by reading pages 86-88 of the Big Book. As I have said in a previous post. This is how I try to start my day. I think that this is how I should start my day everyday, but sometimes my own need to sleep or my 4 year old decides otherwise, but I still try to squeeze it in. Alcohol and life put a barrier between my contact with God, but now I feel his gentle nudging on me. I should try to set aside some meditation and bible reading time, but I am so overwhelmed with everything else, that this is rarely done, but I do talk to God throughout the day. I have a hard time "giving" up everything in my life to God. It is me still wanting to controll the course of my life at times, but at other times I say to myself "Jesus, take the wheel, or thy will be done or let go let God or this too shall pass". I have a hard time being consistant with that though. Making excuses or getting caught up in what "I" want gets in the way. I think tomorrow I will try this: get up, feed my son, take a shower and read my pages 86-88 of the Big Book, say my prayer andgo from there. I know it is tnot everything I should do but at least it is a start and I can create some consistancy out of it. Then, in the afternoon, I will work on my workbook questions. Evenings go to my meetings since my new sponsor has challenged me to 3 a week when I was only going to 1 ( and sometimes missing that). After that, do the daily reflection on my blog ( hopefully) if not, I will squeeze it in during the day.
2. Descibe your present spiritual condition: I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and it is through that grace that I am given eternal life in heaven. That pretty much sums it up. Being consistant with it, however, is harder done than said. I always have that belief, but with that belief makes me responsible for seeking his word through the bible and seeking spiritual surroundings including a new home church which I have not done. Do I know where I am going when I die? You bet? But I think that God is saddened by my disconnect from him due to my addictions, life, and selfish nature. But with Jesus's death comes Grace and Grace is a big thing. I think God must have given me a lot of leftover grace, because I am alive after all I have done, but I still think that God screwed up somewhere in the creation of me. I know that sounds horrible, but my self esteem or "God" esteem is very low. But I learned through my old sponsor that low "self" esteem is still drowning myself in "self" and selfish tendencies. Just as bad as thinking I am the ruler of the world and all great.
3. Recall one painful incident from childhood. I don't know if this really happened, but it is something that I have in my head regarding an incident with my Mother. Regardless if it happened or not, it is a feeling and feelings are real. I remember sitting on the back porch with a balogne sandwich. My mom was inside doing something - I don't know what. My balogne ended up falling on the concrete and I knocked on the door asking my mom for a new sandwich. I don't remember crying or not but I remember her saying that I needed to pick the balogne up and eat \it. There was ants all over it. I also remember that I had this tiny wagon that held alphabet blocks in it and had a string that I could pull it all around. I remember my mom watching soap operas a lot or Phil Donahue. I remember the gate being up at my bedroom door so I could not get out and she would come and dump marshmellows in my little wagon. I don't know why this disturbs me so much. I felt pushed aside, and locked up in my room.
1. Descibe your practice of prayer, Bible reading or quiet time. - I try to start my day by reading pages 86-88 of the Big Book. As I have said in a previous post. This is how I try to start my day. I think that this is how I should start my day everyday, but sometimes my own need to sleep or my 4 year old decides otherwise, but I still try to squeeze it in. Alcohol and life put a barrier between my contact with God, but now I feel his gentle nudging on me. I should try to set aside some meditation and bible reading time, but I am so overwhelmed with everything else, that this is rarely done, but I do talk to God throughout the day. I have a hard time "giving" up everything in my life to God. It is me still wanting to controll the course of my life at times, but at other times I say to myself "Jesus, take the wheel, or thy will be done or let go let God or this too shall pass". I have a hard time being consistant with that though. Making excuses or getting caught up in what "I" want gets in the way. I think tomorrow I will try this: get up, feed my son, take a shower and read my pages 86-88 of the Big Book, say my prayer andgo from there. I know it is tnot everything I should do but at least it is a start and I can create some consistancy out of it. Then, in the afternoon, I will work on my workbook questions. Evenings go to my meetings since my new sponsor has challenged me to 3 a week when I was only going to 1 ( and sometimes missing that). After that, do the daily reflection on my blog ( hopefully) if not, I will squeeze it in during the day.
2. Descibe your present spiritual condition: I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and it is through that grace that I am given eternal life in heaven. That pretty much sums it up. Being consistant with it, however, is harder done than said. I always have that belief, but with that belief makes me responsible for seeking his word through the bible and seeking spiritual surroundings including a new home church which I have not done. Do I know where I am going when I die? You bet? But I think that God is saddened by my disconnect from him due to my addictions, life, and selfish nature. But with Jesus's death comes Grace and Grace is a big thing. I think God must have given me a lot of leftover grace, because I am alive after all I have done, but I still think that God screwed up somewhere in the creation of me. I know that sounds horrible, but my self esteem or "God" esteem is very low. But I learned through my old sponsor that low "self" esteem is still drowning myself in "self" and selfish tendencies. Just as bad as thinking I am the ruler of the world and all great.
3. Recall one painful incident from childhood. I don't know if this really happened, but it is something that I have in my head regarding an incident with my Mother. Regardless if it happened or not, it is a feeling and feelings are real. I remember sitting on the back porch with a balogne sandwich. My mom was inside doing something - I don't know what. My balogne ended up falling on the concrete and I knocked on the door asking my mom for a new sandwich. I don't remember crying or not but I remember her saying that I needed to pick the balogne up and eat \it. There was ants all over it. I also remember that I had this tiny wagon that held alphabet blocks in it and had a string that I could pull it all around. I remember my mom watching soap operas a lot or Phil Donahue. I remember the gate being up at my bedroom door so I could not get out and she would come and dump marshmellows in my little wagon. I don't know why this disturbs me so much. I felt pushed aside, and locked up in my room.
Rainy Days
This morning I started reading again pages 86-88 of the big book. This tells you how to pray for God to lead you during the day and to pray for other people. This gets me out of my "self" as I tend to be a selfish person. So I prayed that my husband would be able to get out of bed by himself with little "nagging" by me and that God lead me in the right direction this morning and to remind me to come back to him throughout the day so I stay SOBER. As I said in an earlier post. I hate mornings most days. But my old sponsor said what my new sponsor said last night during our meeting that we need to pray that God shows us the next right thing to do. I try to remember to practice this as it keeps me moving throughout the day and helps with my inconsistancy. So after reading my pages, the next right thing to do was to sit on the floor with my son for a bit and watch Sesame Street because that is what he was needing at that moment. After that, the next right thing to do for my sobriety was to write on here a bit in the morning.
I had an excellent meeting with my new sponsor last night. As I now know, through therapy, that I have an extremely hard time building relationships with women. This stems from my own hectic relationship with my mother growing up. So I know it is natural for me to keep her at arms length for a while, but I was honest with her about this defect and I prayed for her patience as she and I continue a relationship. After thinking about this for a while, I think that this is what happened with my previous sponsor. It bothered me for several days why the relationship did not work out. When thinking about it and praying about it, I remembered a conversation with my therapist several weeks ago when she said she thought I had a hard time trusting and building relationships with women or I try too hard just to get them to like me. This makes sense because every job I have had that I had to work under another woman, I have lost. I have very few female friends. I know that God lead me to my first sponsor at that time in my life because of what she said about her kids, but things faded over the last 3 months or so. I know I kept her at arms length and I just wanted her to like me. Knowing this now, I did tell my new sponsor of this so she can keep an eye on it and help me through it. It is funny how God uses every situation as a way to learn and grow if we are just willing to listen - and I did. I see that God had a plan for my old sponsor and for me to learn from it. Problem is - I have no idea in hell how to build relationships. My selfish, lying, manipulating self still shows its ugly head at times. Sometimes I don't even know that it happened until afterwards and sometimes I don't see it at all unless someone points it out to me.
Well at least I am more aware of it now. And hey - my new sponsor has a POOL - YAHOOIE. Looking forward to some water therapy as well. She works in a way I like and with her professional credintials - I think she has a wealth of knowledge to help me. I just hope I have something to give back.
The next right thing to do now is get ready and do some cleaning in my living room. I WILL conquor my living room today. I have to take my son for a haircut and I will post later more about my meeting with my new sponsor and what I learned about step one and work a little on my workbook on here. I also have a meeting to go to tonight.
I had an excellent meeting with my new sponsor last night. As I now know, through therapy, that I have an extremely hard time building relationships with women. This stems from my own hectic relationship with my mother growing up. So I know it is natural for me to keep her at arms length for a while, but I was honest with her about this defect and I prayed for her patience as she and I continue a relationship. After thinking about this for a while, I think that this is what happened with my previous sponsor. It bothered me for several days why the relationship did not work out. When thinking about it and praying about it, I remembered a conversation with my therapist several weeks ago when she said she thought I had a hard time trusting and building relationships with women or I try too hard just to get them to like me. This makes sense because every job I have had that I had to work under another woman, I have lost. I have very few female friends. I know that God lead me to my first sponsor at that time in my life because of what she said about her kids, but things faded over the last 3 months or so. I know I kept her at arms length and I just wanted her to like me. Knowing this now, I did tell my new sponsor of this so she can keep an eye on it and help me through it. It is funny how God uses every situation as a way to learn and grow if we are just willing to listen - and I did. I see that God had a plan for my old sponsor and for me to learn from it. Problem is - I have no idea in hell how to build relationships. My selfish, lying, manipulating self still shows its ugly head at times. Sometimes I don't even know that it happened until afterwards and sometimes I don't see it at all unless someone points it out to me.
Well at least I am more aware of it now. And hey - my new sponsor has a POOL - YAHOOIE. Looking forward to some water therapy as well. She works in a way I like and with her professional credintials - I think she has a wealth of knowledge to help me. I just hope I have something to give back.
The next right thing to do now is get ready and do some cleaning in my living room. I WILL conquor my living room today. I have to take my son for a haircut and I will post later more about my meeting with my new sponsor and what I learned about step one and work a little on my workbook on here. I also have a meeting to go to tonight.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
So I moved
This morning has been very uncomfortable for me. I don't know why. May be the fact that I am overwhelmed once again by everything I have to do or the fact that my husband did not go to work today and blamed me. I hate that! I am not responsible for a grown man getting up and going to work as an engineer. He has missed several days this year. I am worried he may lose his job. I don't work so this is a huge stress for me. He had almost a breakdown a few weeks ago and now I feel like I have to "fix" him, even though the better part of me knows that I am not responsible for this. But that is the "fixer" in me. Fix everyone but myself. So I am sitting here watching "peep" with my son while my husband does what he always does at home, sits on the computer. Ugh. I hope he does not lose his job. That would REALLY be a bad thing for my family.
I hate mornings
I don't know why I have such a hard time with mornings. I can get up ok because of my son, but it takes me an hour or so to get moving and some days I hardly move at all. So I thought I might do some blogging in the morning. I cannot find my daily reflection book. I hate that I lose things so much. Just like my house, my brain is so disorganized. My anxiety is showing its ugly head this morning. The doctor's are slowly pulling me off my anxiety medication so maybe that is it. I will have to buy another daily reflection book tonight at my meeting. My new sponsor and I are going out for coffee afterwards to get to know each other. Today I will start to work on the workbook on here after I clean the kitchen. ugh. The kitchen. Right now I cannot move. I wish I had an opportunity to really wake up and read my morning meditation before anyone gets up. Just another thing to add to my list of "should do's" ugh - morning.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Let's start from scratch
Ok Ok... I have been horrible at this. blogging thing. I am not going to make excuses but my old sponsor was not too into the whole "technology" thing when I am a "techy" kind of girl. New Sponsor? (you might be asking). I shoulda seen the headlights coming like at the end of a tunnel but I guess I was hoping things would be fine. We are still friends and all but she said I was not giving her anything. What am I supposed to give? Was I not honest enough? I am hard to get close to. I don't know what happened so I will call it a God thing and moved on. She helped save my life in the beginning. My main reason, at the beginning of my sobriety, for drinking was that I was not a good mother which I have moved past for the most part. I still think I was the best mother I could be and I am raising a son who seems to have suffered no permanent damage from me LOL. At one meeting I was feeling strange that I had not been an active drug or booze user for very long. It was off and on for 4 years and most people have drank for a while and I said that my crazy life started way before I picked up a drink. My unmanagables as I call them. My new sponsor picked up on this and I have listened to her for quite a while. She has many years of sobriety (that was not my main need), but she has a counseling in this field and she loves the Lord which is very important for me.
SOOOOOO for all you reading this I am going to do my VERY best at being consistant with my blog as I think this is theraputic. But I have a cool new workbook through my counselor that I want to work on and share on here. So I will start again with step 1 (for the workbooks sake LOL). 1 year and 1 month sober and I am going back to step one. Oh well. Since I lost my job I should find plenty of time to blog. I hope. 4 year olds have their own agenda.
God bless and Good Night
SOOOOOO for all you reading this I am going to do my VERY best at being consistant with my blog as I think this is theraputic. But I have a cool new workbook through my counselor that I want to work on and share on here. So I will start again with step 1 (for the workbooks sake LOL). 1 year and 1 month sober and I am going back to step one. Oh well. Since I lost my job I should find plenty of time to blog. I hope. 4 year olds have their own agenda.
God bless and Good Night
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Inconsistancy
I have not blogged in a while. I don't know if it is the added responsibility of work on top of going to therapy and working the steps and AA that has caused me to quit this, or if it my lazyness of not doing something which is beneficial to my recovery. Either way, I have been complacent about this blog and for those who follow - I am sorry.
My son has been sick with the cooties all week. I took him to the doctor and he has strep throat and walking pneumonia. It must be from starting preschool. I had it first and we all have seemed to pass it around the house twice in the last 4 weeks. This has not been fun and it leaves me paranoid that I will lose my job as I am the primary caretaker of him. My husband cannot take off work for these things, and he makes the bulk of the money, so we cannot afford for him to lose his job. I have been assured, through my boss, that all is ok. But I still get paranoid.
I am still working my unmanagables and have managed to finally get them in print format. When I met with my sponsor this week, we went over them and I told her that I was going to post them and write a little bit about all of them. Which I will today.
Spring is trying to arrive. My tulips are up with unopened bulbs at the end and small buds are appearing on my cherry tree. Almost time for my allergy season - ugh. I would much rather it stay like Autumn all year.
My son has been sick with the cooties all week. I took him to the doctor and he has strep throat and walking pneumonia. It must be from starting preschool. I had it first and we all have seemed to pass it around the house twice in the last 4 weeks. This has not been fun and it leaves me paranoid that I will lose my job as I am the primary caretaker of him. My husband cannot take off work for these things, and he makes the bulk of the money, so we cannot afford for him to lose his job. I have been assured, through my boss, that all is ok. But I still get paranoid.
I am still working my unmanagables and have managed to finally get them in print format. When I met with my sponsor this week, we went over them and I told her that I was going to post them and write a little bit about all of them. Which I will today.
Spring is trying to arrive. My tulips are up with unopened bulbs at the end and small buds are appearing on my cherry tree. Almost time for my allergy season - ugh. I would much rather it stay like Autumn all year.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I'm Part of the Whole
At once, I became a part - if only a tiny part-if a cosmos.... As Bill Sees It. p. 225
It goes on to say:
When I first came to AA, I decided that "they" were very nice people-perhaps a little naive, a little too friendly, but basically decent, earnest people (with whom I had nothing in common). I saw "them" at meetings-after all, that was where "they"existed. I shook hands with "them" and when I went out the door, I forgot about ""them".
Then one day my Higher Power, whom I did not believe in, arranged to create a community project outside of AA, but one which happened to involve many AA members. We worked together. I got to know "them" as people. I came to admire "them," even to like "them" and, in sppite of myself, to enjoy "them". "Their" practice of the program in their daily lives-not just in talk at meetings- attracted me and I wanted what they had. Suddenly the "they became "we". I have not had a drink since.
My thoughts:
One of my first dreads after drying up in detox was becoming accountable to an AA meeting schedule. It was just another "thing" I was not wanting to do. I felt like I would be walking into a room and everyone would stare at me or that I would be around a bunch of loser drunks who had all screwed up their lives. My selfish side felt like I was "too good" for these people and I would have nothing in common with them.
I remember walking into my first AA meeting and looking around and seeing people from all different walks of life. I saw a lady that looked like my mother in law, a biker guy, a teenager, and all different kinds of people. I looked at them. I listened to them and went home.
I still struggled with finding a group that I felt like I really belonged and I still felt like a thorn sticking out of a smooth surface. I still felt like I was too good for "these" people. I didn't want to be accountable to any group of any kind. I still struggle with the consistancy of going to meetings.
It wasn't until last fall when I finally felt the unity of the group. My sponsor invited me to go to a weekend camping trip with some fellow AA folk from her home group. I said I would go, but didn't really mean it at that time. Something nudged me to go and I was scared. I didn't want to stick out. I didn't want people to look at me. I remember I wanted to drive in the carpool, not only so I could smoke when I wanted to, but I wanted controll over something and driving would keep my attention on the road and I wouldn't have to interact as much with these people. I wanted my sponsor attached to me at the hip.
We would rotate people in the cars everytime we stopped, which immediately created a panic in me. I had to meet and talk to new people. I dreaded it. All the way there during that 3 hour drive I felt like I was the one everyone was talking about in the other cars.
Something happened during that camping trip that caused me to feel like a complete fool. It was almost like God was telling me, "What makes you think you are so special that these people are only focusing on you, get your head out of your ass and your ego out of the sky and have fun". It was probably the second day that I did just that. I did not wonder where my sponsor was all the time and started talking to people. I really tried, for the first time, to remind myself that these people aren't thinking how fat I am or how funny I look. Or those people on the bench are not whispering about me. I started to have fun.
On the way back, I had a blast, and I was driving. It was that weekend that started to change me regarding "these" people and how I thought about them.
I picked a home group that I felt comfortable with. A smaller group and tried to make an effort to go every week. Failing to do that quite often, but I am getting better.
I remember I was going consistantly for a few months and I missed a week. When I returned the following week, my absense was actually noticed. Part of my self-esteem problem is that I think that I am overlooked or not really cared about, or when I am noticed it is only in a negative way. But they noticed and missed me. Since I do try to contribute to each meeting by talking, my absense was noticed.
It was this moment that made me feel like I was a "part" of this group. In a positive way, I think I am looked at. Now I firmly believe that Satan wants me to think otherwise and will frequently put negative thoughts in my head which makes it difficult for me to maintain consistancy in going to the group everyweek (another one of my unmanagables). I have to pray every Wednesday for the willingness from God to go to the meeting, but the more I go, the more I feel like I am a part of something. Most importantly, I have the one thing in common with "these" people and that is the obsession for Alcohol. That one thread unites and the best part is we all seem to have the same higher power - Jesus Christ.
It goes on to say:
When I first came to AA, I decided that "they" were very nice people-perhaps a little naive, a little too friendly, but basically decent, earnest people (with whom I had nothing in common). I saw "them" at meetings-after all, that was where "they"existed. I shook hands with "them" and when I went out the door, I forgot about ""them".
Then one day my Higher Power, whom I did not believe in, arranged to create a community project outside of AA, but one which happened to involve many AA members. We worked together. I got to know "them" as people. I came to admire "them," even to like "them" and, in sppite of myself, to enjoy "them". "Their" practice of the program in their daily lives-not just in talk at meetings- attracted me and I wanted what they had. Suddenly the "they became "we". I have not had a drink since.
My thoughts:
One of my first dreads after drying up in detox was becoming accountable to an AA meeting schedule. It was just another "thing" I was not wanting to do. I felt like I would be walking into a room and everyone would stare at me or that I would be around a bunch of loser drunks who had all screwed up their lives. My selfish side felt like I was "too good" for these people and I would have nothing in common with them.
I remember walking into my first AA meeting and looking around and seeing people from all different walks of life. I saw a lady that looked like my mother in law, a biker guy, a teenager, and all different kinds of people. I looked at them. I listened to them and went home.
I still struggled with finding a group that I felt like I really belonged and I still felt like a thorn sticking out of a smooth surface. I still felt like I was too good for "these" people. I didn't want to be accountable to any group of any kind. I still struggle with the consistancy of going to meetings.
It wasn't until last fall when I finally felt the unity of the group. My sponsor invited me to go to a weekend camping trip with some fellow AA folk from her home group. I said I would go, but didn't really mean it at that time. Something nudged me to go and I was scared. I didn't want to stick out. I didn't want people to look at me. I remember I wanted to drive in the carpool, not only so I could smoke when I wanted to, but I wanted controll over something and driving would keep my attention on the road and I wouldn't have to interact as much with these people. I wanted my sponsor attached to me at the hip.
We would rotate people in the cars everytime we stopped, which immediately created a panic in me. I had to meet and talk to new people. I dreaded it. All the way there during that 3 hour drive I felt like I was the one everyone was talking about in the other cars.
Something happened during that camping trip that caused me to feel like a complete fool. It was almost like God was telling me, "What makes you think you are so special that these people are only focusing on you, get your head out of your ass and your ego out of the sky and have fun". It was probably the second day that I did just that. I did not wonder where my sponsor was all the time and started talking to people. I really tried, for the first time, to remind myself that these people aren't thinking how fat I am or how funny I look. Or those people on the bench are not whispering about me. I started to have fun.
On the way back, I had a blast, and I was driving. It was that weekend that started to change me regarding "these" people and how I thought about them.
I picked a home group that I felt comfortable with. A smaller group and tried to make an effort to go every week. Failing to do that quite often, but I am getting better.
I remember I was going consistantly for a few months and I missed a week. When I returned the following week, my absense was actually noticed. Part of my self-esteem problem is that I think that I am overlooked or not really cared about, or when I am noticed it is only in a negative way. But they noticed and missed me. Since I do try to contribute to each meeting by talking, my absense was noticed.
It was this moment that made me feel like I was a "part" of this group. In a positive way, I think I am looked at. Now I firmly believe that Satan wants me to think otherwise and will frequently put negative thoughts in my head which makes it difficult for me to maintain consistancy in going to the group everyweek (another one of my unmanagables). I have to pray every Wednesday for the willingness from God to go to the meeting, but the more I go, the more I feel like I am a part of something. Most importantly, I have the one thing in common with "these" people and that is the obsession for Alcohol. That one thread unites and the best part is we all seem to have the same higher power - Jesus Christ.
Cooties
It was interesting this morning watching the rain turn slowly into sleet and then to snow. It is amazing to me how God has created each and every thing and if I take the time, and slow down, I can notice the slightest change.
I remember when I first got sober how vibrant and extreme everything around me seemed. It was like my senses were on hyper mode for about 3 months. The colors seemed brighter, the noises louder, smells and tastes were all more potent. At that time, most of it irritated me. It was like all of the sudden I had the "Oh Shit factor".
My sponsor told me that she once heard what SOBER really means - "Son of a Bitch, everything is REAL". That is exactly how you feel. FEELING was uncomfortable. Sometimes it still is, but now it isn't all the time. I can actually enjoy most of the pleasant feelings and actually enjoy noticing things around me such as this morning with the snow.
Now going out and driving in it is a different story. I had to go to the immediate care with my son so we could get checked out and get notes to go back to work/preschool on Monday. I am looking forward to the routine again. Being out a week makes me feel lazy. I was so sick this week. Turns out I have strep throat, an ear and bladder infection. No wonder I have been feeling the "ick" as I have said in previous posts.
I had a hard time waking up this morning. With my husband here on the weekend I don't feel like I have to keep one eye open all the time if I need to doze on the couch and I did sleep in quite a bit on the couch.
Nothing much got done today regarding my unmanagables, but by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Hopefully with the antibiotics in my system, the ick will be gone mostly tomorrow and I can work on cleaning and organizing my house. This task is high on my unmanagables - this is a totally long post in itself which I will go into later.
I remember when I first got sober how vibrant and extreme everything around me seemed. It was like my senses were on hyper mode for about 3 months. The colors seemed brighter, the noises louder, smells and tastes were all more potent. At that time, most of it irritated me. It was like all of the sudden I had the "Oh Shit factor".
My sponsor told me that she once heard what SOBER really means - "Son of a Bitch, everything is REAL". That is exactly how you feel. FEELING was uncomfortable. Sometimes it still is, but now it isn't all the time. I can actually enjoy most of the pleasant feelings and actually enjoy noticing things around me such as this morning with the snow.
Now going out and driving in it is a different story. I had to go to the immediate care with my son so we could get checked out and get notes to go back to work/preschool on Monday. I am looking forward to the routine again. Being out a week makes me feel lazy. I was so sick this week. Turns out I have strep throat, an ear and bladder infection. No wonder I have been feeling the "ick" as I have said in previous posts.
I had a hard time waking up this morning. With my husband here on the weekend I don't feel like I have to keep one eye open all the time if I need to doze on the couch and I did sleep in quite a bit on the couch.
Nothing much got done today regarding my unmanagables, but by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Hopefully with the antibiotics in my system, the ick will be gone mostly tomorrow and I can work on cleaning and organizing my house. This task is high on my unmanagables - this is a totally long post in itself which I will go into later.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Daily Reflection - The Gift of Laughter
At this juncture, his AA sponsor usually laughs. -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 26
It goes on to say.....
Before my recovery from alcoholism began, laughter was one of the most painful sounds I knew. I never laughed and I felt that anyone else's laughter was directed at me! My self-pity and anger denied me the simplest of pleasures or lightneess of heart. By the end of my drinking not even alcohol could provoke a drunken giggle in me.
When my AA sponsor began to laugh and point out my self-pity and ego-feeding deceptions, I was annoyed and hurt, but it taught me to lighten up and focus on my recovery. I soon learned to laugh at myself and eventually I taught those I sponsor to laugh also. Every day I ask God to help me stop taking myself too seriously.
My thoughts:
Sometimes I think that God was asleep when my father's sperm met my mother's egg. Or another one I say is that my sister got the best of my parents while I got the worst.
I can remember a time when I could laugh and could laugh at myself. It seems as though I am fearful of feeling the joy of laughter because it all too soon goes away like the dew in the morning sun. I am constantly thinking people are laughing or talking about me. I think I am ugly, fat and totally unpredictable. These feelings are very apparent on days like today when I feel the "ick" as I said in my first post today.
I am uncomfortable around crowds. I can remember when I would social drink. I was heavier then, but in order for me to open up I had to slam back at least 4 shots of "Screaming Nazi's".
Now I feel like I have to force laughter. I know that is probably not true all the time, but when I get the "ick" it is hard to remember anything joyful.
It is Friday - my 10 year anniversary being married to the same man. At least I have been consistant at that. Good Night
It goes on to say.....
Before my recovery from alcoholism began, laughter was one of the most painful sounds I knew. I never laughed and I felt that anyone else's laughter was directed at me! My self-pity and anger denied me the simplest of pleasures or lightneess of heart. By the end of my drinking not even alcohol could provoke a drunken giggle in me.
When my AA sponsor began to laugh and point out my self-pity and ego-feeding deceptions, I was annoyed and hurt, but it taught me to lighten up and focus on my recovery. I soon learned to laugh at myself and eventually I taught those I sponsor to laugh also. Every day I ask God to help me stop taking myself too seriously.
My thoughts:
Sometimes I think that God was asleep when my father's sperm met my mother's egg. Or another one I say is that my sister got the best of my parents while I got the worst.
I can remember a time when I could laugh and could laugh at myself. It seems as though I am fearful of feeling the joy of laughter because it all too soon goes away like the dew in the morning sun. I am constantly thinking people are laughing or talking about me. I think I am ugly, fat and totally unpredictable. These feelings are very apparent on days like today when I feel the "ick" as I said in my first post today.
I am uncomfortable around crowds. I can remember when I would social drink. I was heavier then, but in order for me to open up I had to slam back at least 4 shots of "Screaming Nazi's".
Now I feel like I have to force laughter. I know that is probably not true all the time, but when I get the "ick" it is hard to remember anything joyful.
It is Friday - my 10 year anniversary being married to the same man. At least I have been consistant at that. Good Night
In the Funk
I awoke this morning with the "ick". My Sponsor tells me that this is a feeling I get when I am not doing something right. Since I have been trying to start my day with reading the daily pages in my big book (which I don't have at the moment due to my son deciding to rip pages from it and color happy faces all over the others). They have it online, but the internet was down. My therapist wants me to follow how I feel because of also having depression.
I could say a lot about my health issues, but I try not to focus on them as much anymore. I found that if I don't dwell on them, they seem to not be as bad. But the "ick" is a heaviness in my middle and it almost makes me feel like I cannot put my shoes on and start the day. Maybe it is because we have all been sick in this house for the whole week. I started working at my son's preschool and I got the preschool cooties which have knocked me flat for a week.
I am still hacking and sneezing, but not as bad. Just fatigue. Fatigue is no new thing with me. Maybe it is my hormones causing me to look at everything so badly. Maybe it is because I forgot to call upon God and to send his Angels down to protect and guide.
I spent most of the morning sleeping while my son watched Noggin. Dozing mostly as I had one eye half open on him and both ears on alert. God bless his little heart, he knows when I feel bad I sleep.
It will be good to be back in a routine again next week with going back to work.
I still need to post my "unmanagables". Not in the mood. Just trying to stay consistant with this. Wondering if anyone is reading this.
It is getting late and I am going to try to go to sleep at a good time tonight. Want to catch up on what "Major Mom" is doing on her blog. She is a sweet person I met while I was hyperfocusing on my son's Christmas present "pixos". Those damn beads have become quite theraputic for me if I don't hyperfocus and overdo it - letting my unmanagables become totally out of controll.
My husband forgot to take all the trash out. AGAIN!!!!...... ugh.
Well, by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Just the ick and I don't know what it is from.
I could say a lot about my health issues, but I try not to focus on them as much anymore. I found that if I don't dwell on them, they seem to not be as bad. But the "ick" is a heaviness in my middle and it almost makes me feel like I cannot put my shoes on and start the day. Maybe it is because we have all been sick in this house for the whole week. I started working at my son's preschool and I got the preschool cooties which have knocked me flat for a week.
I am still hacking and sneezing, but not as bad. Just fatigue. Fatigue is no new thing with me. Maybe it is my hormones causing me to look at everything so badly. Maybe it is because I forgot to call upon God and to send his Angels down to protect and guide.
I spent most of the morning sleeping while my son watched Noggin. Dozing mostly as I had one eye half open on him and both ears on alert. God bless his little heart, he knows when I feel bad I sleep.
It will be good to be back in a routine again next week with going back to work.
I still need to post my "unmanagables". Not in the mood. Just trying to stay consistant with this. Wondering if anyone is reading this.
It is getting late and I am going to try to go to sleep at a good time tonight. Want to catch up on what "Major Mom" is doing on her blog. She is a sweet person I met while I was hyperfocusing on my son's Christmas present "pixos". Those damn beads have become quite theraputic for me if I don't hyperfocus and overdo it - letting my unmanagables become totally out of controll.
My husband forgot to take all the trash out. AGAIN!!!!...... ugh.
Well, by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Just the ick and I don't know what it is from.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Daily Reflection - I'm Not Different
In the beginning, it was four whole years before AA brought permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the "high bottoms," the women said they were different;...The Skid-Rower said he was different...so did the artists and the professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the Indians and the Eskimos, the veterans and the prisoners...nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are finally down. As Bill Sees It p. 24
As I reflect on this, I have a very hard time with its message. I feel like, as a unity, AA has many things in common, but woman have very different alcoholic strings that make us up. I once read, while in detox, a book about alcoholic woman. Woman drink for different reasons, the alcohol gets in our system quicker, we become addicted faster, and die sooner if not treated.
I understand that we must have unity in AA or we end up seperating everybody and then seperating myself from God. But God made me a Woman, and he intended differences to be there. That is why I did enjoy some of the Woman only meetings online and here in my home town.
I do not intend to seperate myself from the group AA, but to acknowledge and even celebrate the fact that because I am a Woman - there are differences biologically, emotionally and spiritually that I gain wisdom from other Alcoholic Woman than what I would from a man. I am not saying that I have not gained tremendous insight from my fellow Alcoholic Males, because there is a lot in common, but there are differences as well.
I could not fall asleep tonight and realized I did not read my daily reflection before bed. I tried to look up in my bible for verses regarding the male/female difference, but did not find any before my eyes started to droop. Maybe someone would have some verses handy for me.
Since becoming sober, sleep has been my number 1 problem. The nightmares, the tossing and the problem with shutting my spinning brain off. I trust God that these will subside in due time.
Not only do I talk to my Sponsor, but I have a therapist who thinks this blogging is a great idea. I am waiting on my book that I ordered "12 steps - a spiritual journey". It is a workbook that I will share on here.
For now, as the moon shines on my little one's face, I know that I have been given the greatest gift of all next to the gift of Jesus, it is the gift of being able to be honest for once and not to reinvent myself because God invented me just fine, but being able to redefine myself as a sober woman living a Godly life. One step, One day at a time. Tomorrow is a clean slate.
As I reflect on this, I have a very hard time with its message. I feel like, as a unity, AA has many things in common, but woman have very different alcoholic strings that make us up. I once read, while in detox, a book about alcoholic woman. Woman drink for different reasons, the alcohol gets in our system quicker, we become addicted faster, and die sooner if not treated.
I understand that we must have unity in AA or we end up seperating everybody and then seperating myself from God. But God made me a Woman, and he intended differences to be there. That is why I did enjoy some of the Woman only meetings online and here in my home town.
I do not intend to seperate myself from the group AA, but to acknowledge and even celebrate the fact that because I am a Woman - there are differences biologically, emotionally and spiritually that I gain wisdom from other Alcoholic Woman than what I would from a man. I am not saying that I have not gained tremendous insight from my fellow Alcoholic Males, because there is a lot in common, but there are differences as well.
I could not fall asleep tonight and realized I did not read my daily reflection before bed. I tried to look up in my bible for verses regarding the male/female difference, but did not find any before my eyes started to droop. Maybe someone would have some verses handy for me.
Since becoming sober, sleep has been my number 1 problem. The nightmares, the tossing and the problem with shutting my spinning brain off. I trust God that these will subside in due time.
Not only do I talk to my Sponsor, but I have a therapist who thinks this blogging is a great idea. I am waiting on my book that I ordered "12 steps - a spiritual journey". It is a workbook that I will share on here.
For now, as the moon shines on my little one's face, I know that I have been given the greatest gift of all next to the gift of Jesus, it is the gift of being able to be honest for once and not to reinvent myself because God invented me just fine, but being able to redefine myself as a sober woman living a Godly life. One step, One day at a time. Tomorrow is a clean slate.
Finding My Sponsor
I consider how I found my sponsor as an act from God. As I said in my earlier post, I prayed daily on my knees while in rehab that God would lead me to the right sponsor right away. I did not want to go through a lot of temporary sponsors or find one that would not be a good fit. Boy did God answer that for me.
It was during my stay at the Halfway House that we went to a very large AA meeting. It was a speaker meeting which I usually do not go to a lot of those. I prefer the talking meetings as I get more from them, but I am glad I went to this meeting. Anyone who has stayed at a Halfway House knows you are required to attend so many meetings and this was one meeting I could have not gone to, but something told me I had to go.
The speaker that night was a woman about my age. She talked about her hectic life as an alcoholic and made light of some things to keep our attention. She was all smiles and always saying "I was having fun" when she referred to her drinking. But then she started talking about her children and how she came to a point when she didn't know if she loved her children. Those words hit me in the gut. That is the way I felt about my son. I know how horrible it sounds, but alcohol was a part of my life the whole time I had him around, so how did I know if I really did love him. All I knew is that I didn't remember lots of things about his young life and it hurt deeply..... maybe - that was love.. That deep hurt inside. I didn't know at the time. I did know that this woman was talking to me. I felt like the only person in that room of about 150 or so. The tears streamed and I kept hearing my fellow Halfway House people saying "I can't believe she said that about her children", and all I could think is "What bravery to have said the truth and that is how I feel". It was another one of those God moments where he told me that she was the one. I waited after the meeting to get her number.
I could spend another 10 posts telling you of the craziness of us getting together while I was still at the Halfway House, or how "Out of my mind" I felt during my first 3 months of sobriety, but I can say that she has stuck with me and sometimes I may not have deserved it. Like I said, I am complacent at times and slow with doing what I should do. That is part of the reason why I started this blog. It helps me. She can read it and point out things and others can and I am completely open to comments. Oh, and another God thing, she lives one street over from me and we met way up north.
An assignment she gave me for the first step is to list all my unmanagabilities. I have a hard copy that I will post for tomorrow. As for now, I say Good Night. By the Grace of God, I did not pick up a drink today or have the urge to.
It was during my stay at the Halfway House that we went to a very large AA meeting. It was a speaker meeting which I usually do not go to a lot of those. I prefer the talking meetings as I get more from them, but I am glad I went to this meeting. Anyone who has stayed at a Halfway House knows you are required to attend so many meetings and this was one meeting I could have not gone to, but something told me I had to go.
The speaker that night was a woman about my age. She talked about her hectic life as an alcoholic and made light of some things to keep our attention. She was all smiles and always saying "I was having fun" when she referred to her drinking. But then she started talking about her children and how she came to a point when she didn't know if she loved her children. Those words hit me in the gut. That is the way I felt about my son. I know how horrible it sounds, but alcohol was a part of my life the whole time I had him around, so how did I know if I really did love him. All I knew is that I didn't remember lots of things about his young life and it hurt deeply..... maybe - that was love.. That deep hurt inside. I didn't know at the time. I did know that this woman was talking to me. I felt like the only person in that room of about 150 or so. The tears streamed and I kept hearing my fellow Halfway House people saying "I can't believe she said that about her children", and all I could think is "What bravery to have said the truth and that is how I feel". It was another one of those God moments where he told me that she was the one. I waited after the meeting to get her number.
I could spend another 10 posts telling you of the craziness of us getting together while I was still at the Halfway House, or how "Out of my mind" I felt during my first 3 months of sobriety, but I can say that she has stuck with me and sometimes I may not have deserved it. Like I said, I am complacent at times and slow with doing what I should do. That is part of the reason why I started this blog. It helps me. She can read it and point out things and others can and I am completely open to comments. Oh, and another God thing, she lives one street over from me and we met way up north.
An assignment she gave me for the first step is to list all my unmanagabilities. I have a hard copy that I will post for tomorrow. As for now, I say Good Night. By the Grace of God, I did not pick up a drink today or have the urge to.
STEP. 1 - Admittance
9 Months into Sobriety and I am finally working the steps. Steps 1-3 should go easily for me as I have already worked them on paper. I have decided to start this blog to help me organize my thoughts easily, as I tend to forget easily. I also pray that someone follows this blog and it helps them in some way.
I am alcoholic, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a child of God. I find comfort in knowing that God knew me from the beginning and knew the choices I would make and God chose this route for me for some reason that I have not understood yet.
My duration of active substance abuse was a short time compared to others in my AA groups, but what I have learned is that it does not matter. My crazy life began WAY before I ever picked up a drink (on a daily basis). I will go into that later.
I can bring you forward to where I was drinking about 1/2 Gallon of Gin daily in order to cope. This started after my son was born, so at that time I thought it was the thought of being a failure as a Mother that made me drink. I have since learned better and the Alcoholism is a disease that layed dorment in my system until a prescription drug (GHB) that I was prescribed for sleep issues turned on that switch. But as I said, looking over my life growing up, I had a crazy life way before I picked up that bottle of Gin.
So almost a year ago, I sat staring at my bottle and watching my son and I started to cry. Even through the haze of the booze - God was able to reach me and touch my heart. I knew I had to get help. I was no use to anyone the way I was so I reached out to my father, a dry alcoholic, who helped me get into my second treatment program. I stayed two weeks at this wonderful place where I learned it was a disease. I was never told this during my first rehab three years earlier where I was detoxed from the GHB. I was given a "Big Book" - the book Alcoholics use as a foundation to recovery. I even forced myself to stay at a Woman's Halfway House for a few weeks so I could concentrate on the early steps to recovery (finding a sponsor, a home group, and begin to attend AA meetings).
In AA we talk about Spiritual Awakenings. I always have considered this my first "Spiritual Awakening". God wanted me back so bad and he touched me through the fog of alcohol and lead me to the right place and the right people at the right time. It is amazing how God works even when you have little to give back. God saved my life, and probably my son's.
So by going into rehab and trying to learn what this AA thing is - I admitted I was powerless over Alcohol and my life had become unmanagable. More on unmanagability later. I had started to set a foundation for recovery and finding a sponsor was #2 on my list after sobering up. A year prior I had tried AA and had a sponsor that was dissappointing so I prayed that God lead me to the right sponsor the first time. I needed someone I understood and could talk to. I needed someone with patience and tolerance of my crazy mind, as I tend to become complacent and work things slowly. So tomorrow I will post on my sponsor.
I am alcoholic, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a child of God. I find comfort in knowing that God knew me from the beginning and knew the choices I would make and God chose this route for me for some reason that I have not understood yet.
My duration of active substance abuse was a short time compared to others in my AA groups, but what I have learned is that it does not matter. My crazy life began WAY before I ever picked up a drink (on a daily basis). I will go into that later.
I can bring you forward to where I was drinking about 1/2 Gallon of Gin daily in order to cope. This started after my son was born, so at that time I thought it was the thought of being a failure as a Mother that made me drink. I have since learned better and the Alcoholism is a disease that layed dorment in my system until a prescription drug (GHB) that I was prescribed for sleep issues turned on that switch. But as I said, looking over my life growing up, I had a crazy life way before I picked up that bottle of Gin.
So almost a year ago, I sat staring at my bottle and watching my son and I started to cry. Even through the haze of the booze - God was able to reach me and touch my heart. I knew I had to get help. I was no use to anyone the way I was so I reached out to my father, a dry alcoholic, who helped me get into my second treatment program. I stayed two weeks at this wonderful place where I learned it was a disease. I was never told this during my first rehab three years earlier where I was detoxed from the GHB. I was given a "Big Book" - the book Alcoholics use as a foundation to recovery. I even forced myself to stay at a Woman's Halfway House for a few weeks so I could concentrate on the early steps to recovery (finding a sponsor, a home group, and begin to attend AA meetings).
In AA we talk about Spiritual Awakenings. I always have considered this my first "Spiritual Awakening". God wanted me back so bad and he touched me through the fog of alcohol and lead me to the right place and the right people at the right time. It is amazing how God works even when you have little to give back. God saved my life, and probably my son's.
So by going into rehab and trying to learn what this AA thing is - I admitted I was powerless over Alcohol and my life had become unmanagable. More on unmanagability later. I had started to set a foundation for recovery and finding a sponsor was #2 on my list after sobering up. A year prior I had tried AA and had a sponsor that was dissappointing so I prayed that God lead me to the right sponsor the first time. I needed someone I understood and could talk to. I needed someone with patience and tolerance of my crazy mind, as I tend to become complacent and work things slowly. So tomorrow I will post on my sponsor.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)