I'm Part of the Whole

At once, I became a part - if only a tiny part-if a cosmos.... As Bill Sees It. p. 225

It goes on to say:

When I first came to AA, I decided that "they" were very nice people-perhaps a little naive, a little too friendly, but basically decent, earnest people (with whom I had nothing in common). I saw "them" at meetings-after all, that was where "they"existed. I shook hands with "them" and when I went out the door, I forgot about ""them".

Then one day my Higher Power, whom I did not believe in, arranged to create a community project outside of AA, but one which happened to involve many AA members. We worked together. I got to know "them" as people. I came to admire "them," even to like "them" and, in sppite of myself, to enjoy "them". "Their" practice of the program in their daily lives-not just in talk at meetings- attracted me and I wanted what they had. Suddenly the "they became "we". I have not had a drink since.

My thoughts:

One of my first dreads after drying up in detox was becoming accountable to an AA meeting schedule. It was just another "thing" I was not wanting to do. I felt like I would be walking into a room and everyone would stare at me or that I would be around a bunch of loser drunks who had all screwed up their lives. My selfish side felt like I was "too good" for these people and I would have nothing in common with them.

I remember walking into my first AA meeting and looking around and seeing people from all different walks of life. I saw a lady that looked like my mother in law, a biker guy, a teenager, and all different kinds of people. I looked at them. I listened to them and went home.

I still struggled with finding a group that I felt like I really belonged and I still felt like a thorn sticking out of a smooth surface. I still felt like I was too good for "these" people. I didn't want to be accountable to any group of any kind. I still struggle with the consistancy of going to meetings.

It wasn't until last fall when I finally felt the unity of the group. My sponsor invited me to go to a weekend camping trip with some fellow AA folk from her home group. I said I would go, but didn't really mean it at that time. Something nudged me to go and I was scared. I didn't want to stick out. I didn't want people to look at me. I remember I wanted to drive in the carpool, not only so I could smoke when I wanted to, but I wanted controll over something and driving would keep my attention on the road and I wouldn't have to interact as much with these people. I wanted my sponsor attached to me at the hip.

We would rotate people in the cars everytime we stopped, which immediately created a panic in me. I had to meet and talk to new people. I dreaded it. All the way there during that 3 hour drive I felt like I was the one everyone was talking about in the other cars.

Something happened during that camping trip that caused me to feel like a complete fool. It was almost like God was telling me, "What makes you think you are so special that these people are only focusing on you, get your head out of your ass and your ego out of the sky and have fun". It was probably the second day that I did just that. I did not wonder where my sponsor was all the time and started talking to people. I really tried, for the first time, to remind myself that these people aren't thinking how fat I am or how funny I look. Or those people on the bench are not whispering about me. I started to have fun.

On the way back, I had a blast, and I was driving. It was that weekend that started to change me regarding "these" people and how I thought about them.

I picked a home group that I felt comfortable with. A smaller group and tried to make an effort to go every week. Failing to do that quite often, but I am getting better.

I remember I was going consistantly for a few months and I missed a week. When I returned the following week, my absense was actually noticed. Part of my self-esteem problem is that I think that I am overlooked or not really cared about, or when I am noticed it is only in a negative way. But they noticed and missed me. Since I do try to contribute to each meeting by talking, my absense was noticed.

It was this moment that made me feel like I was a "part" of this group. In a positive way, I think I am looked at. Now I firmly believe that Satan wants me to think otherwise and will frequently put negative thoughts in my head which makes it difficult for me to maintain consistancy in going to the group everyweek (another one of my unmanagables). I have to pray every Wednesday for the willingness from God to go to the meeting, but the more I go, the more I feel like I am a part of something. Most importantly, I have the one thing in common with "these" people and that is the obsession for Alcohol. That one thread unites and the best part is we all seem to have the same higher power - Jesus Christ.

Cooties

It was interesting this morning watching the rain turn slowly into sleet and then to snow. It is amazing to me how God has created each and every thing and if I take the time, and slow down, I can notice the slightest change.

I remember when I first got sober how vibrant and extreme everything around me seemed. It was like my senses were on hyper mode for about 3 months. The colors seemed brighter, the noises louder, smells and tastes were all more potent. At that time, most of it irritated me. It was like all of the sudden I had the "Oh Shit factor".

My sponsor told me that she once heard what SOBER really means - "Son of a Bitch, everything is REAL". That is exactly how you feel. FEELING was uncomfortable. Sometimes it still is, but now it isn't all the time. I can actually enjoy most of the pleasant feelings and actually enjoy noticing things around me such as this morning with the snow.

Now going out and driving in it is a different story. I had to go to the immediate care with my son so we could get checked out and get notes to go back to work/preschool on Monday. I am looking forward to the routine again. Being out a week makes me feel lazy. I was so sick this week. Turns out I have strep throat, an ear and bladder infection. No wonder I have been feeling the "ick" as I have said in previous posts.

I had a hard time waking up this morning. With my husband here on the weekend I don't feel like I have to keep one eye open all the time if I need to doze on the couch and I did sleep in quite a bit on the couch.

Nothing much got done today regarding my unmanagables, but by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Hopefully with the antibiotics in my system, the ick will be gone mostly tomorrow and I can work on cleaning and organizing my house. This task is high on my unmanagables - this is a totally long post in itself which I will go into later.