In the beginning, it was four whole years before AA brought permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the "high bottoms," the women said they were different;...The Skid-Rower said he was different...so did the artists and the professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the Indians and the Eskimos, the veterans and the prisoners...nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are finally down. As Bill Sees It p. 24
As I reflect on this, I have a very hard time with its message. I feel like, as a unity, AA has many things in common, but woman have very different alcoholic strings that make us up. I once read, while in detox, a book about alcoholic woman. Woman drink for different reasons, the alcohol gets in our system quicker, we become addicted faster, and die sooner if not treated.
I understand that we must have unity in AA or we end up seperating everybody and then seperating myself from God. But God made me a Woman, and he intended differences to be there. That is why I did enjoy some of the Woman only meetings online and here in my home town.
I do not intend to seperate myself from the group AA, but to acknowledge and even celebrate the fact that because I am a Woman - there are differences biologically, emotionally and spiritually that I gain wisdom from other Alcoholic Woman than what I would from a man. I am not saying that I have not gained tremendous insight from my fellow Alcoholic Males, because there is a lot in common, but there are differences as well.
I could not fall asleep tonight and realized I did not read my daily reflection before bed. I tried to look up in my bible for verses regarding the male/female difference, but did not find any before my eyes started to droop. Maybe someone would have some verses handy for me.
Since becoming sober, sleep has been my number 1 problem. The nightmares, the tossing and the problem with shutting my spinning brain off. I trust God that these will subside in due time.
Not only do I talk to my Sponsor, but I have a therapist who thinks this blogging is a great idea. I am waiting on my book that I ordered "12 steps - a spiritual journey". It is a workbook that I will share on here.
For now, as the moon shines on my little one's face, I know that I have been given the greatest gift of all next to the gift of Jesus, it is the gift of being able to be honest for once and not to reinvent myself because God invented me just fine, but being able to redefine myself as a sober woman living a Godly life. One step, One day at a time. Tomorrow is a clean slate.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Finding My Sponsor
I consider how I found my sponsor as an act from God. As I said in my earlier post, I prayed daily on my knees while in rehab that God would lead me to the right sponsor right away. I did not want to go through a lot of temporary sponsors or find one that would not be a good fit. Boy did God answer that for me.
It was during my stay at the Halfway House that we went to a very large AA meeting. It was a speaker meeting which I usually do not go to a lot of those. I prefer the talking meetings as I get more from them, but I am glad I went to this meeting. Anyone who has stayed at a Halfway House knows you are required to attend so many meetings and this was one meeting I could have not gone to, but something told me I had to go.
The speaker that night was a woman about my age. She talked about her hectic life as an alcoholic and made light of some things to keep our attention. She was all smiles and always saying "I was having fun" when she referred to her drinking. But then she started talking about her children and how she came to a point when she didn't know if she loved her children. Those words hit me in the gut. That is the way I felt about my son. I know how horrible it sounds, but alcohol was a part of my life the whole time I had him around, so how did I know if I really did love him. All I knew is that I didn't remember lots of things about his young life and it hurt deeply..... maybe - that was love.. That deep hurt inside. I didn't know at the time. I did know that this woman was talking to me. I felt like the only person in that room of about 150 or so. The tears streamed and I kept hearing my fellow Halfway House people saying "I can't believe she said that about her children", and all I could think is "What bravery to have said the truth and that is how I feel". It was another one of those God moments where he told me that she was the one. I waited after the meeting to get her number.
I could spend another 10 posts telling you of the craziness of us getting together while I was still at the Halfway House, or how "Out of my mind" I felt during my first 3 months of sobriety, but I can say that she has stuck with me and sometimes I may not have deserved it. Like I said, I am complacent at times and slow with doing what I should do. That is part of the reason why I started this blog. It helps me. She can read it and point out things and others can and I am completely open to comments. Oh, and another God thing, she lives one street over from me and we met way up north.
An assignment she gave me for the first step is to list all my unmanagabilities. I have a hard copy that I will post for tomorrow. As for now, I say Good Night. By the Grace of God, I did not pick up a drink today or have the urge to.
It was during my stay at the Halfway House that we went to a very large AA meeting. It was a speaker meeting which I usually do not go to a lot of those. I prefer the talking meetings as I get more from them, but I am glad I went to this meeting. Anyone who has stayed at a Halfway House knows you are required to attend so many meetings and this was one meeting I could have not gone to, but something told me I had to go.
The speaker that night was a woman about my age. She talked about her hectic life as an alcoholic and made light of some things to keep our attention. She was all smiles and always saying "I was having fun" when she referred to her drinking. But then she started talking about her children and how she came to a point when she didn't know if she loved her children. Those words hit me in the gut. That is the way I felt about my son. I know how horrible it sounds, but alcohol was a part of my life the whole time I had him around, so how did I know if I really did love him. All I knew is that I didn't remember lots of things about his young life and it hurt deeply..... maybe - that was love.. That deep hurt inside. I didn't know at the time. I did know that this woman was talking to me. I felt like the only person in that room of about 150 or so. The tears streamed and I kept hearing my fellow Halfway House people saying "I can't believe she said that about her children", and all I could think is "What bravery to have said the truth and that is how I feel". It was another one of those God moments where he told me that she was the one. I waited after the meeting to get her number.
I could spend another 10 posts telling you of the craziness of us getting together while I was still at the Halfway House, or how "Out of my mind" I felt during my first 3 months of sobriety, but I can say that she has stuck with me and sometimes I may not have deserved it. Like I said, I am complacent at times and slow with doing what I should do. That is part of the reason why I started this blog. It helps me. She can read it and point out things and others can and I am completely open to comments. Oh, and another God thing, she lives one street over from me and we met way up north.
An assignment she gave me for the first step is to list all my unmanagabilities. I have a hard copy that I will post for tomorrow. As for now, I say Good Night. By the Grace of God, I did not pick up a drink today or have the urge to.
STEP. 1 - Admittance
9 Months into Sobriety and I am finally working the steps. Steps 1-3 should go easily for me as I have already worked them on paper. I have decided to start this blog to help me organize my thoughts easily, as I tend to forget easily. I also pray that someone follows this blog and it helps them in some way.
I am alcoholic, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a child of God. I find comfort in knowing that God knew me from the beginning and knew the choices I would make and God chose this route for me for some reason that I have not understood yet.
My duration of active substance abuse was a short time compared to others in my AA groups, but what I have learned is that it does not matter. My crazy life began WAY before I ever picked up a drink (on a daily basis). I will go into that later.
I can bring you forward to where I was drinking about 1/2 Gallon of Gin daily in order to cope. This started after my son was born, so at that time I thought it was the thought of being a failure as a Mother that made me drink. I have since learned better and the Alcoholism is a disease that layed dorment in my system until a prescription drug (GHB) that I was prescribed for sleep issues turned on that switch. But as I said, looking over my life growing up, I had a crazy life way before I picked up that bottle of Gin.
So almost a year ago, I sat staring at my bottle and watching my son and I started to cry. Even through the haze of the booze - God was able to reach me and touch my heart. I knew I had to get help. I was no use to anyone the way I was so I reached out to my father, a dry alcoholic, who helped me get into my second treatment program. I stayed two weeks at this wonderful place where I learned it was a disease. I was never told this during my first rehab three years earlier where I was detoxed from the GHB. I was given a "Big Book" - the book Alcoholics use as a foundation to recovery. I even forced myself to stay at a Woman's Halfway House for a few weeks so I could concentrate on the early steps to recovery (finding a sponsor, a home group, and begin to attend AA meetings).
In AA we talk about Spiritual Awakenings. I always have considered this my first "Spiritual Awakening". God wanted me back so bad and he touched me through the fog of alcohol and lead me to the right place and the right people at the right time. It is amazing how God works even when you have little to give back. God saved my life, and probably my son's.
So by going into rehab and trying to learn what this AA thing is - I admitted I was powerless over Alcohol and my life had become unmanagable. More on unmanagability later. I had started to set a foundation for recovery and finding a sponsor was #2 on my list after sobering up. A year prior I had tried AA and had a sponsor that was dissappointing so I prayed that God lead me to the right sponsor the first time. I needed someone I understood and could talk to. I needed someone with patience and tolerance of my crazy mind, as I tend to become complacent and work things slowly. So tomorrow I will post on my sponsor.
I am alcoholic, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a child of God. I find comfort in knowing that God knew me from the beginning and knew the choices I would make and God chose this route for me for some reason that I have not understood yet.
My duration of active substance abuse was a short time compared to others in my AA groups, but what I have learned is that it does not matter. My crazy life began WAY before I ever picked up a drink (on a daily basis). I will go into that later.
I can bring you forward to where I was drinking about 1/2 Gallon of Gin daily in order to cope. This started after my son was born, so at that time I thought it was the thought of being a failure as a Mother that made me drink. I have since learned better and the Alcoholism is a disease that layed dorment in my system until a prescription drug (GHB) that I was prescribed for sleep issues turned on that switch. But as I said, looking over my life growing up, I had a crazy life way before I picked up that bottle of Gin.
So almost a year ago, I sat staring at my bottle and watching my son and I started to cry. Even through the haze of the booze - God was able to reach me and touch my heart. I knew I had to get help. I was no use to anyone the way I was so I reached out to my father, a dry alcoholic, who helped me get into my second treatment program. I stayed two weeks at this wonderful place where I learned it was a disease. I was never told this during my first rehab three years earlier where I was detoxed from the GHB. I was given a "Big Book" - the book Alcoholics use as a foundation to recovery. I even forced myself to stay at a Woman's Halfway House for a few weeks so I could concentrate on the early steps to recovery (finding a sponsor, a home group, and begin to attend AA meetings).
In AA we talk about Spiritual Awakenings. I always have considered this my first "Spiritual Awakening". God wanted me back so bad and he touched me through the fog of alcohol and lead me to the right place and the right people at the right time. It is amazing how God works even when you have little to give back. God saved my life, and probably my son's.
So by going into rehab and trying to learn what this AA thing is - I admitted I was powerless over Alcohol and my life had become unmanagable. More on unmanagability later. I had started to set a foundation for recovery and finding a sponsor was #2 on my list after sobering up. A year prior I had tried AA and had a sponsor that was dissappointing so I prayed that God lead me to the right sponsor the first time. I needed someone I understood and could talk to. I needed someone with patience and tolerance of my crazy mind, as I tend to become complacent and work things slowly. So tomorrow I will post on my sponsor.
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