Daily Reflection - The Gift of Laughter

At this juncture, his AA sponsor usually laughs. -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 26

It goes on to say.....

Before my recovery from alcoholism began, laughter was one of the most painful sounds I knew. I never laughed and I felt that anyone else's laughter was directed at me! My self-pity and anger denied me the simplest of pleasures or lightneess of heart. By the end of my drinking not even alcohol could provoke a drunken giggle in me.

When my AA sponsor began to laugh and point out my self-pity and ego-feeding deceptions, I was annoyed and hurt, but it taught me to lighten up and focus on my recovery. I soon learned to laugh at myself and eventually I taught those I sponsor to laugh also. Every day I ask God to help me stop taking myself too seriously.

My thoughts:

Sometimes I think that God was asleep when my father's sperm met my mother's egg. Or another one I say is that my sister got the best of my parents while I got the worst.

I can remember a time when I could laugh and could laugh at myself. It seems as though I am fearful of feeling the joy of laughter because it all too soon goes away like the dew in the morning sun. I am constantly thinking people are laughing or talking about me. I think I am ugly, fat and totally unpredictable. These feelings are very apparent on days like today when I feel the "ick" as I said in my first post today.

I am uncomfortable around crowds. I can remember when I would social drink. I was heavier then, but in order for me to open up I had to slam back at least 4 shots of "Screaming Nazi's".

Now I feel like I have to force laughter. I know that is probably not true all the time, but when I get the "ick" it is hard to remember anything joyful.

It is Friday - my 10 year anniversary being married to the same man. At least I have been consistant at that. Good Night

In the Funk

I awoke this morning with the "ick". My Sponsor tells me that this is a feeling I get when I am not doing something right. Since I have been trying to start my day with reading the daily pages in my big book (which I don't have at the moment due to my son deciding to rip pages from it and color happy faces all over the others). They have it online, but the internet was down. My therapist wants me to follow how I feel because of also having depression.

I could say a lot about my health issues, but I try not to focus on them as much anymore. I found that if I don't dwell on them, they seem to not be as bad. But the "ick" is a heaviness in my middle and it almost makes me feel like I cannot put my shoes on and start the day. Maybe it is because we have all been sick in this house for the whole week. I started working at my son's preschool and I got the preschool cooties which have knocked me flat for a week.

I am still hacking and sneezing, but not as bad. Just fatigue. Fatigue is no new thing with me. Maybe it is my hormones causing me to look at everything so badly. Maybe it is because I forgot to call upon God and to send his Angels down to protect and guide.

I spent most of the morning sleeping while my son watched Noggin. Dozing mostly as I had one eye half open on him and both ears on alert. God bless his little heart, he knows when I feel bad I sleep.

It will be good to be back in a routine again next week with going back to work.

I still need to post my "unmanagables". Not in the mood. Just trying to stay consistant with this. Wondering if anyone is reading this.

It is getting late and I am going to try to go to sleep at a good time tonight. Want to catch up on what "Major Mom" is doing on her blog. She is a sweet person I met while I was hyperfocusing on my son's Christmas present "pixos". Those damn beads have become quite theraputic for me if I don't hyperfocus and overdo it - letting my unmanagables become totally out of controll.

My husband forgot to take all the trash out. AGAIN!!!!...... ugh.

Well, by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Just the ick and I don't know what it is from.