Workbook - week one

I am working on a biblical workbook that follows the AA 12 steps. I plan to put the questions and answers on here. The questions are in bold and the answers are in regular italic type. I have also started to highlight some of the text for here as typing all of it would be too much for me.

1. Descibe your practice of prayer, Bible reading or quiet time. - I try to start my day by reading pages 86-88 of the Big Book. As I have said in a previous post. This is how I try to start my day. I think that this is how I should start my day everyday, but sometimes my own need to sleep or my 4 year old decides otherwise, but I still try to squeeze it in. Alcohol and life put a barrier between my contact with God, but now I feel his gentle nudging on me. I should try to set aside some meditation and bible reading time, but I am so overwhelmed with everything else, that this is rarely done, but I do talk to God throughout the day. I have a hard time "giving" up everything in my life to God. It is me still wanting to controll the course of my life at times, but at other times I say to myself "Jesus, take the wheel, or thy will be done or let go let God or this too shall pass". I have a hard time being consistant with that though. Making excuses or getting caught up in what "I" want gets in the way. I think tomorrow I will try this: get up, feed my son, take a shower and read my pages 86-88 of the Big Book, say my prayer andgo from there. I know it is tnot everything I should do but at least it is a start and I can create some consistancy out of it. Then, in the afternoon, I will work on my workbook questions. Evenings go to my meetings since my new sponsor has challenged me to 3 a week when I was only going to 1 ( and sometimes missing that). After that, do the daily reflection on my blog ( hopefully) if not, I will squeeze it in during the day.

2. Descibe your present spiritual condition: I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and it is through that grace that I am given eternal life in heaven. That pretty much sums it up. Being consistant with it, however, is harder done than said. I always have that belief, but with that belief makes me responsible for seeking his word through the bible and seeking spiritual surroundings including a new home church which I have not done. Do I know where I am going when I die? You bet? But I think that God is saddened by my disconnect from him due to my addictions, life, and selfish nature. But with Jesus's death comes Grace and Grace is a big thing. I think God must have given me a lot of leftover grace, because I am alive after all I have done, but I still think that God screwed up somewhere in the creation of me. I know that sounds horrible, but my self esteem or "God" esteem is very low. But I learned through my old sponsor that low "self" esteem is still drowning myself in "self" and selfish tendencies. Just as bad as thinking I am the ruler of the world and all great.

3. Recall one painful incident from childhood. I don't know if this really happened, but it is something that I have in my head regarding an incident with my Mother. Regardless if it happened or not, it is a feeling and feelings are real. I remember sitting on the back porch with a balogne sandwich. My mom was inside doing something - I don't know what. My balogne ended up falling on the concrete and I knocked on the door asking my mom for a new sandwich. I don't remember crying or not but I remember her saying that I needed to pick the balogne up and eat \it. There was ants all over it. I also remember that I had this tiny wagon that held alphabet blocks in it and had a string that I could pull it all around. I remember my mom watching soap operas a lot or Phil Donahue. I remember the gate being up at my bedroom door so I could not get out and she would come and dump marshmellows in my little wagon. I don't know why this disturbs me so much. I felt pushed aside, and locked up in my room.

Rainy Days

This morning I started reading again pages 86-88 of the big book. This tells you how to pray for God to lead you during the day and to pray for other people. This gets me out of my "self" as I tend to be a selfish person. So I prayed that my husband would be able to get out of bed by himself with little "nagging" by me and that God lead me in the right direction this morning and to remind me to come back to him throughout the day so I stay SOBER. As I said in an earlier post. I hate mornings most days. But my old sponsor said what my new sponsor said last night during our meeting that we need to pray that God shows us the next right thing to do. I try to remember to practice this as it keeps me moving throughout the day and helps with my inconsistancy. So after reading my pages, the next right thing to do was to sit on the floor with my son for a bit and watch Sesame Street because that is what he was needing at that moment. After that, the next right thing to do for my sobriety was to write on here a bit in the morning.

I had an excellent meeting with my new sponsor last night. As I now know, through therapy, that I have an extremely hard time building relationships with women. This stems from my own hectic relationship with my mother growing up. So I know it is natural for me to keep her at arms length for a while, but I was honest with her about this defect and I prayed for her patience as she and I continue a relationship. After thinking about this for a while, I think that this is what happened with my previous sponsor. It bothered me for several days why the relationship did not work out. When thinking about it and praying about it, I remembered a conversation with my therapist several weeks ago when she said she thought I had a hard time trusting and building relationships with women or I try too hard just to get them to like me. This makes sense because every job I have had that I had to work under another woman, I have lost. I have very few female friends. I know that God lead me to my first sponsor at that time in my life because of what she said about her kids, but things faded over the last 3 months or so. I know I kept her at arms length and I just wanted her to like me. Knowing this now, I did tell my new sponsor of this so she can keep an eye on it and help me through it. It is funny how God uses every situation as a way to learn and grow if we are just willing to listen - and I did. I see that God had a plan for my old sponsor and for me to learn from it. Problem is - I have no idea in hell how to build relationships. My selfish, lying, manipulating self still shows its ugly head at times. Sometimes I don't even know that it happened until afterwards and sometimes I don't see it at all unless someone points it out to me.

Well at least I am more aware of it now. And hey - my new sponsor has a POOL - YAHOOIE. Looking forward to some water therapy as well. She works in a way I like and with her professional credintials - I think she has a wealth of knowledge to help me. I just hope I have something to give back.

The next right thing to do now is get ready and do some cleaning in my living room. I WILL conquor my living room today. I have to take my son for a haircut and I will post later more about my meeting with my new sponsor and what I learned about step one and work a little on my workbook on here. I also have a meeting to go to tonight.