Rainy Days

This morning I started reading again pages 86-88 of the big book. This tells you how to pray for God to lead you during the day and to pray for other people. This gets me out of my "self" as I tend to be a selfish person. So I prayed that my husband would be able to get out of bed by himself with little "nagging" by me and that God lead me in the right direction this morning and to remind me to come back to him throughout the day so I stay SOBER. As I said in an earlier post. I hate mornings most days. But my old sponsor said what my new sponsor said last night during our meeting that we need to pray that God shows us the next right thing to do. I try to remember to practice this as it keeps me moving throughout the day and helps with my inconsistancy. So after reading my pages, the next right thing to do was to sit on the floor with my son for a bit and watch Sesame Street because that is what he was needing at that moment. After that, the next right thing to do for my sobriety was to write on here a bit in the morning.

I had an excellent meeting with my new sponsor last night. As I now know, through therapy, that I have an extremely hard time building relationships with women. This stems from my own hectic relationship with my mother growing up. So I know it is natural for me to keep her at arms length for a while, but I was honest with her about this defect and I prayed for her patience as she and I continue a relationship. After thinking about this for a while, I think that this is what happened with my previous sponsor. It bothered me for several days why the relationship did not work out. When thinking about it and praying about it, I remembered a conversation with my therapist several weeks ago when she said she thought I had a hard time trusting and building relationships with women or I try too hard just to get them to like me. This makes sense because every job I have had that I had to work under another woman, I have lost. I have very few female friends. I know that God lead me to my first sponsor at that time in my life because of what she said about her kids, but things faded over the last 3 months or so. I know I kept her at arms length and I just wanted her to like me. Knowing this now, I did tell my new sponsor of this so she can keep an eye on it and help me through it. It is funny how God uses every situation as a way to learn and grow if we are just willing to listen - and I did. I see that God had a plan for my old sponsor and for me to learn from it. Problem is - I have no idea in hell how to build relationships. My selfish, lying, manipulating self still shows its ugly head at times. Sometimes I don't even know that it happened until afterwards and sometimes I don't see it at all unless someone points it out to me.

Well at least I am more aware of it now. And hey - my new sponsor has a POOL - YAHOOIE. Looking forward to some water therapy as well. She works in a way I like and with her professional credintials - I think she has a wealth of knowledge to help me. I just hope I have something to give back.

The next right thing to do now is get ready and do some cleaning in my living room. I WILL conquor my living room today. I have to take my son for a haircut and I will post later more about my meeting with my new sponsor and what I learned about step one and work a little on my workbook on here. I also have a meeting to go to tonight.