Workbook - week one

I am working on a biblical workbook that follows the AA 12 steps. I plan to put the questions and answers on here. The questions are in bold and the answers are in regular italic type. I have also started to highlight some of the text for here as typing all of it would be too much for me.

1. Descibe your practice of prayer, Bible reading or quiet time. - I try to start my day by reading pages 86-88 of the Big Book. As I have said in a previous post. This is how I try to start my day. I think that this is how I should start my day everyday, but sometimes my own need to sleep or my 4 year old decides otherwise, but I still try to squeeze it in. Alcohol and life put a barrier between my contact with God, but now I feel his gentle nudging on me. I should try to set aside some meditation and bible reading time, but I am so overwhelmed with everything else, that this is rarely done, but I do talk to God throughout the day. I have a hard time "giving" up everything in my life to God. It is me still wanting to controll the course of my life at times, but at other times I say to myself "Jesus, take the wheel, or thy will be done or let go let God or this too shall pass". I have a hard time being consistant with that though. Making excuses or getting caught up in what "I" want gets in the way. I think tomorrow I will try this: get up, feed my son, take a shower and read my pages 86-88 of the Big Book, say my prayer andgo from there. I know it is tnot everything I should do but at least it is a start and I can create some consistancy out of it. Then, in the afternoon, I will work on my workbook questions. Evenings go to my meetings since my new sponsor has challenged me to 3 a week when I was only going to 1 ( and sometimes missing that). After that, do the daily reflection on my blog ( hopefully) if not, I will squeeze it in during the day.

2. Descibe your present spiritual condition: I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and it is through that grace that I am given eternal life in heaven. That pretty much sums it up. Being consistant with it, however, is harder done than said. I always have that belief, but with that belief makes me responsible for seeking his word through the bible and seeking spiritual surroundings including a new home church which I have not done. Do I know where I am going when I die? You bet? But I think that God is saddened by my disconnect from him due to my addictions, life, and selfish nature. But with Jesus's death comes Grace and Grace is a big thing. I think God must have given me a lot of leftover grace, because I am alive after all I have done, but I still think that God screwed up somewhere in the creation of me. I know that sounds horrible, but my self esteem or "God" esteem is very low. But I learned through my old sponsor that low "self" esteem is still drowning myself in "self" and selfish tendencies. Just as bad as thinking I am the ruler of the world and all great.

3. Recall one painful incident from childhood. I don't know if this really happened, but it is something that I have in my head regarding an incident with my Mother. Regardless if it happened or not, it is a feeling and feelings are real. I remember sitting on the back porch with a balogne sandwich. My mom was inside doing something - I don't know what. My balogne ended up falling on the concrete and I knocked on the door asking my mom for a new sandwich. I don't remember crying or not but I remember her saying that I needed to pick the balogne up and eat \it. There was ants all over it. I also remember that I had this tiny wagon that held alphabet blocks in it and had a string that I could pull it all around. I remember my mom watching soap operas a lot or Phil Donahue. I remember the gate being up at my bedroom door so I could not get out and she would come and dump marshmellows in my little wagon. I don't know why this disturbs me so much. I felt pushed aside, and locked up in my room.