Friday, May 29, 2009
I hate these feelings
My husband only worked 2 out of 4 days this week and he does not call in. I tried the "non nagging" approach but it did not work. He is still in bed. He stays up until the wee hours of the morning gaming. He plays World of Warcraft online. This is like Dungeons and Dragons of my day and there was just a show on TV about people addicted to it and actually preffering their "online world" over their "real world". I don't work. This REALLY stresses me out. He supports our family. I cannot handle anymore. NO MORE CHAOS. I want out of here so bad. I can think about me and my son but add the extra burdons of my husband - I cannot do it. I know they say that God will not put you through more than you can handle, but God is pushing the envelope this time. I cannot be responsible for my husband anymore. It is hard enough to work on my recovery and my son and myself without worrying about him. I seriously think we need some time apart. He needs to work on himself and I need to work on myself. I have nowhere to go.
Workbook - week one continued
The book says:
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensatte for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood altering substances such as drugs and alcohol.
4. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feelings? Well obviously I used to use drugs and alcohol, but as I have said before, my crazy life began way before I picked up a drink. I can remember in childhood I used to lie lie lie and manipulate. I have seen this habit in my adult life as well. I have been trying to work on this during the past year. Sometimes I lie and I don't even know I did it. I have prayed that God would show me these before and after they happen. I know my whole family has been frustrated with me that I change my story quite frequently. This has been hard for me to break. The only way I can describe it is that I tell someone I bought two green trash cans and then say I bought two black trash cans. It is not that I am lying. I have the idea correct, just the details get mixed up. I try not to make excuses for this, but I have tried to figure out why this happens to me so much. When talking to my therapist she reminded me that I talk so fast. I talk faster than my brain goes. I need to try to pause before I answer. I have also used overeating as a way to cope. I feel like my whole life has been based on lies. I always want people to think that things are better or that I am something different than I truely am. I hate this because it has got me to this point that I am today that I really don't know who I am. I hyperfocus on things to cope. I overspend to cope.
The book says: God has given us free will. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfectiion means we need God, and that is OK
5. Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendecy to deny your need for healing. This one is a hard thing for me to answer. As an adult, although I am a Christian, I was constantly seeking ways to change. But I can see how my addiction, and before that my "life" got in the way of my relationship with God. As a teenager and young adult I was very involved in Church and the youth group. I think I used this as a show so everyone would like me. Back then I remember feeling embarrassed to seek help for what was really going through my head because everyone viewed me as something I really wasnt
The book says: Working the steps with God's help enables us to acknowledge much of our negative or repressed nature. This process is similar to sunlight and shadow. When we stand in the sunlight, we see that we cast a shadow. In the same way, as we begin to work the steps and measure ourselves by God's standards and principles, we see our need. We learn to look fearlessly at our "shadow"-that part of us that has been ignored for so long. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
Thought: God's judgment: we get what we deserve.
God's mercy: we don't get what we deserve.
God's grace: we get more than we deserve.
God doesn't have any problems, only plans.
6. What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow? The first thing that comes to mind is my inconsistancy with everything in my life. I start out with good "intentions" and only get lazy and don't follow through. I guess my next behavior is lazyness. I hate this. I also have the bad behavior of not telling the whole story or speaking before I think like I said above. I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people and manipulate. I am always thinking of "me" first.
The book ends week 1 with this: With God's power, the Twelve-Step program can be a tool to relive our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensatte for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood altering substances such as drugs and alcohol.
4. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feelings? Well obviously I used to use drugs and alcohol, but as I have said before, my crazy life began way before I picked up a drink. I can remember in childhood I used to lie lie lie and manipulate. I have seen this habit in my adult life as well. I have been trying to work on this during the past year. Sometimes I lie and I don't even know I did it. I have prayed that God would show me these before and after they happen. I know my whole family has been frustrated with me that I change my story quite frequently. This has been hard for me to break. The only way I can describe it is that I tell someone I bought two green trash cans and then say I bought two black trash cans. It is not that I am lying. I have the idea correct, just the details get mixed up. I try not to make excuses for this, but I have tried to figure out why this happens to me so much. When talking to my therapist she reminded me that I talk so fast. I talk faster than my brain goes. I need to try to pause before I answer. I have also used overeating as a way to cope. I feel like my whole life has been based on lies. I always want people to think that things are better or that I am something different than I truely am. I hate this because it has got me to this point that I am today that I really don't know who I am. I hyperfocus on things to cope. I overspend to cope.
The book says: God has given us free will. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfectiion means we need God, and that is OK
5. Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendecy to deny your need for healing. This one is a hard thing for me to answer. As an adult, although I am a Christian, I was constantly seeking ways to change. But I can see how my addiction, and before that my "life" got in the way of my relationship with God. As a teenager and young adult I was very involved in Church and the youth group. I think I used this as a show so everyone would like me. Back then I remember feeling embarrassed to seek help for what was really going through my head because everyone viewed me as something I really wasnt
The book says: Working the steps with God's help enables us to acknowledge much of our negative or repressed nature. This process is similar to sunlight and shadow. When we stand in the sunlight, we see that we cast a shadow. In the same way, as we begin to work the steps and measure ourselves by God's standards and principles, we see our need. We learn to look fearlessly at our "shadow"-that part of us that has been ignored for so long. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
Thought: God's judgment: we get what we deserve.
God's mercy: we don't get what we deserve.
God's grace: we get more than we deserve.
God doesn't have any problems, only plans.
6. What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow? The first thing that comes to mind is my inconsistancy with everything in my life. I start out with good "intentions" and only get lazy and don't follow through. I guess my next behavior is lazyness. I hate this. I also have the bad behavior of not telling the whole story or speaking before I think like I said above. I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people and manipulate. I am always thinking of "me" first.
The book ends week 1 with this: With God's power, the Twelve-Step program can be a tool to relive our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
From the mouths of babes
Ok. I keep getting up and doing something. Then I remember something else I want to say. I hate ritalin. I have to take it because I was diagnosed with a form of Narcolepsy and it helps my ADD. ADD is very different than ADHD. I wish I had the hyperactivity at times. Without medication I would want to sleep or fall asleep spontaneously and become lazy with a cluttered mind. But some days the ritalin makes me anxious and I tend to hyperfocus on one thing, usually my computer or a craft. I have been trying to redirect the hyperfocus to something useful like cleaning my house. Today is starting out like one of those days. But anyway I wanted to write about what my son said yesterday.
I smoke. I hate it. My mom died from it and she quit for 15 years. It is one of those things I know I am going to have to do for my own health and my sons. My husband smokes too. I also need to lose weight and I plan on doing both of these together. Anyway, yesterday I was outside smoking with my son playing with his scooter on the deck and he said "Mommy, you are going to die from those smokes". It hit me like a ton of bricks that he is so aware of everything. Redirecting his energy is another unmanagable of mine. CAN I PLEASE FINISH THE HOUSE FIRST!!! {smiles}. So my son knows that I can die from smoking.
Since losing my job at the preschool I have had a hard time keeping him busy here at the house. Again, having the house orderly will make things easier on me. I have a lot of plans for him while he is home with me but I am trying to finish the house first. Just this morning I had to listen to him yell and scream and throw a tantrum because he wanted his big Christmas Snow Globe out of the basement. I gave in and got it. I could not handle the noise of him, TV, and the every 9 minute alarm going off. Ugh. Right now he is ranting about going outside and climbing on me and yelling about whatever. He has a pretend friend that he calls his ghost. This concerned me for a while until my dad reminded me that my sister had a pretend friend to. Now he is asking me to clip his fingernails that don't need to be done.
I am going batty. LORD please help my brain. I should probably eat something. One of the side effects of Ritalin is I forget to eat which makes my anxiety worse. Some yogurt sounds good. I will be back.
I smoke. I hate it. My mom died from it and she quit for 15 years. It is one of those things I know I am going to have to do for my own health and my sons. My husband smokes too. I also need to lose weight and I plan on doing both of these together. Anyway, yesterday I was outside smoking with my son playing with his scooter on the deck and he said "Mommy, you are going to die from those smokes". It hit me like a ton of bricks that he is so aware of everything. Redirecting his energy is another unmanagable of mine. CAN I PLEASE FINISH THE HOUSE FIRST!!! {smiles}. So my son knows that I can die from smoking.
Since losing my job at the preschool I have had a hard time keeping him busy here at the house. Again, having the house orderly will make things easier on me. I have a lot of plans for him while he is home with me but I am trying to finish the house first. Just this morning I had to listen to him yell and scream and throw a tantrum because he wanted his big Christmas Snow Globe out of the basement. I gave in and got it. I could not handle the noise of him, TV, and the every 9 minute alarm going off. Ugh. Right now he is ranting about going outside and climbing on me and yelling about whatever. He has a pretend friend that he calls his ghost. This concerned me for a while until my dad reminded me that my sister had a pretend friend to. Now he is asking me to clip his fingernails that don't need to be done.
I am going batty. LORD please help my brain. I should probably eat something. One of the side effects of Ritalin is I forget to eat which makes my anxiety worse. Some yogurt sounds good. I will be back.
Rant
Almost 10:00 and my husband still has not gotten out of bed. I keep praying that God will take away my worry because if I start spinning in my brain it is really hard for me to do the next right thing. I am between laundry loads and I have to get it done before I can continue in the dining room. My house is #1 on my unmanagable list. Maybe it is my ADD brain that makes this so hard for me. I have had a hard time keeping anything neat and tidy my whole life. It is overwhelming and frustrating. I always wished those ladies from "How clean is your house"
show would show up at my door and help me. My old sponsor offered to come over to help but frankly, I am too embarrassed to have anyone over. My step mother bitched at me this week over this because I will not let them come over to see my son. She said if it is that messy then my son should not be here. That hurts. This time I am serious about getting it done and keeping it that way but it will take me a while to get it done. I don't think I will ever be a neat freak. I just want a comfortable house for my family that I would open the door to anyone that shows up and let them in. When I get going like this (there goes that fucking alarm and my husband hitting snooze), anyway as I was saying. When I get going like this, Itry to keep in mind how far I have come in the house and give myself some credit. Now the damn "I" button on my laptop is not working properly. sigh. I plan on having the house 75% done by Sunday as I would like my father and step mom to come over next week. My husband will be here to help. Although, he has taken the responsibility of taking the trash out on Thursday nights and it did not get done, so now it will sit in our breezeway until next week. Ugh. My nose ring broke again and it had not healed yet so I have to get another one. OK OK I am ranting.... better here than holding it in my brain......
show would show up at my door and help me. My old sponsor offered to come over to help but frankly, I am too embarrassed to have anyone over. My step mother bitched at me this week over this because I will not let them come over to see my son. She said if it is that messy then my son should not be here. That hurts. This time I am serious about getting it done and keeping it that way but it will take me a while to get it done. I don't think I will ever be a neat freak. I just want a comfortable house for my family that I would open the door to anyone that shows up and let them in. When I get going like this (there goes that fucking alarm and my husband hitting snooze), anyway as I was saying. When I get going like this, Itry to keep in mind how far I have come in the house and give myself some credit. Now the damn "I" button on my laptop is not working properly. sigh. I plan on having the house 75% done by Sunday as I would like my father and step mom to come over next week. My husband will be here to help. Although, he has taken the responsibility of taking the trash out on Thursday nights and it did not get done, so now it will sit in our breezeway until next week. Ugh. My nose ring broke again and it had not healed yet so I have to get another one. OK OK I am ranting.... better here than holding it in my brain......
Another mornng blah
I did not sleep well last night. Maybe it is this medication that I am coming off of or just one night. I don't know. My husband, again, is almost an hour late for work, but I promised myself that I was going to quit nagging him and let him be an adult and get up on his own. My son sneeked downstairs to sleep in our bed. My husband gets mad about this, but I really think it is cute.
After awakening, I fed my son and read my pages 86-88 of the big book and said a prayer asking God to take away selfish thinking or point it out to me when I do it. Asking for his will to be done. I ask him to show me what my next step should be during the day or "the next right thing"
Since I pretty much conquored my living room except some dusting and some clean laundry to put up I will work on the dining room and laundry today which should give me some more time to work on my workbook between loads and also work on step 1 (unmanagable list).
Right now my son is driving me a little nuts wanting my time. He gets jealous when I am on here or on the phone or doing anything for myself. I keep hearing the alarm go off every 9 minutes and my husband just hitting snooze. I have asked God to help me not worry about his job as this gets my head going in directions I don't want.
After awakening, I fed my son and read my pages 86-88 of the big book and said a prayer asking God to take away selfish thinking or point it out to me when I do it. Asking for his will to be done. I ask him to show me what my next step should be during the day or "the next right thing"
Since I pretty much conquored my living room except some dusting and some clean laundry to put up I will work on the dining room and laundry today which should give me some more time to work on my workbook between loads and also work on step 1 (unmanagable list).
Right now my son is driving me a little nuts wanting my time. He gets jealous when I am on here or on the phone or doing anything for myself. I keep hearing the alarm go off every 9 minutes and my husband just hitting snooze. I have asked God to help me not worry about his job as this gets my head going in directions I don't want.
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