Workbook - week one continued

The book says:

In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensatte for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood altering substances such as drugs and alcohol.

4. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feelings? Well obviously I used to use drugs and alcohol, but as I have said before, my crazy life began way before I picked up a drink. I can remember in childhood I used to lie lie lie and manipulate. I have seen this habit in my adult life as well. I have been trying to work on this during the past year. Sometimes I lie and I don't even know I did it. I have prayed that God would show me these before and after they happen. I know my whole family has been frustrated with me that I change my story quite frequently. This has been hard for me to break. The only way I can describe it is that I tell someone I bought two green trash cans and then say I bought two black trash cans. It is not that I am lying. I have the idea correct, just the details get mixed up. I try not to make excuses for this, but I have tried to figure out why this happens to me so much. When talking to my therapist she reminded me that I talk so fast. I talk faster than my brain goes. I need to try to pause before I answer. I have also used overeating as a way to cope. I feel like my whole life has been based on lies. I always want people to think that things are better or that I am something different than I truely am. I hate this because it has got me to this point that I am today that I really don't know who I am. I hyperfocus on things to cope. I overspend to cope.

The book says: God has given us free will. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfectiion means we need God, and that is OK

5. Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendecy to deny your need for healing. This one is a hard thing for me to answer. As an adult, although I am a Christian, I was constantly seeking ways to change. But I can see how my addiction, and before that my "life" got in the way of my relationship with God. As a teenager and young adult I was very involved in Church and the youth group. I think I used this as a show so everyone would like me. Back then I remember feeling embarrassed to seek help for what was really going through my head because everyone viewed me as something I really wasnt

The book says: Working the steps with God's help enables us to acknowledge much of our negative or repressed nature. This process is similar to sunlight and shadow. When we stand in the sunlight, we see that we cast a shadow. In the same way, as we begin to work the steps and measure ourselves by God's standards and principles, we see our need. We learn to look fearlessly at our "shadow"-that part of us that has been ignored for so long. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
Thought: God's judgment: we get what we deserve.
God's mercy: we don't get what we deserve.
God's grace: we get more than we deserve.
God doesn't have any problems, only plans.

6. What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow? The first thing that comes to mind is my inconsistancy with everything in my life. I start out with good "intentions" and only get lazy and don't follow through. I guess my next behavior is lazyness. I hate this. I also have the bad behavior of not telling the whole story or speaking before I think like I said above. I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people and manipulate. I am always thinking of "me" first.

The book ends week 1 with this: With God's power, the Twelve-Step program can be a tool to relive our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.