Friday, May 29, 2009
I hate these feelings
My husband only worked 2 out of 4 days this week and he does not call in. I tried the "non nagging" approach but it did not work. He is still in bed. He stays up until the wee hours of the morning gaming. He plays World of Warcraft online. This is like Dungeons and Dragons of my day and there was just a show on TV about people addicted to it and actually preffering their "online world" over their "real world". I don't work. This REALLY stresses me out. He supports our family. I cannot handle anymore. NO MORE CHAOS. I want out of here so bad. I can think about me and my son but add the extra burdons of my husband - I cannot do it. I know they say that God will not put you through more than you can handle, but God is pushing the envelope this time. I cannot be responsible for my husband anymore. It is hard enough to work on my recovery and my son and myself without worrying about him. I seriously think we need some time apart. He needs to work on himself and I need to work on myself. I have nowhere to go.
Workbook - week one continued
The book says:
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensatte for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood altering substances such as drugs and alcohol.
4. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feelings? Well obviously I used to use drugs and alcohol, but as I have said before, my crazy life began way before I picked up a drink. I can remember in childhood I used to lie lie lie and manipulate. I have seen this habit in my adult life as well. I have been trying to work on this during the past year. Sometimes I lie and I don't even know I did it. I have prayed that God would show me these before and after they happen. I know my whole family has been frustrated with me that I change my story quite frequently. This has been hard for me to break. The only way I can describe it is that I tell someone I bought two green trash cans and then say I bought two black trash cans. It is not that I am lying. I have the idea correct, just the details get mixed up. I try not to make excuses for this, but I have tried to figure out why this happens to me so much. When talking to my therapist she reminded me that I talk so fast. I talk faster than my brain goes. I need to try to pause before I answer. I have also used overeating as a way to cope. I feel like my whole life has been based on lies. I always want people to think that things are better or that I am something different than I truely am. I hate this because it has got me to this point that I am today that I really don't know who I am. I hyperfocus on things to cope. I overspend to cope.
The book says: God has given us free will. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfectiion means we need God, and that is OK
5. Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendecy to deny your need for healing. This one is a hard thing for me to answer. As an adult, although I am a Christian, I was constantly seeking ways to change. But I can see how my addiction, and before that my "life" got in the way of my relationship with God. As a teenager and young adult I was very involved in Church and the youth group. I think I used this as a show so everyone would like me. Back then I remember feeling embarrassed to seek help for what was really going through my head because everyone viewed me as something I really wasnt
The book says: Working the steps with God's help enables us to acknowledge much of our negative or repressed nature. This process is similar to sunlight and shadow. When we stand in the sunlight, we see that we cast a shadow. In the same way, as we begin to work the steps and measure ourselves by God's standards and principles, we see our need. We learn to look fearlessly at our "shadow"-that part of us that has been ignored for so long. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
Thought: God's judgment: we get what we deserve.
God's mercy: we don't get what we deserve.
God's grace: we get more than we deserve.
God doesn't have any problems, only plans.
6. What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow? The first thing that comes to mind is my inconsistancy with everything in my life. I start out with good "intentions" and only get lazy and don't follow through. I guess my next behavior is lazyness. I hate this. I also have the bad behavior of not telling the whole story or speaking before I think like I said above. I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people and manipulate. I am always thinking of "me" first.
The book ends week 1 with this: With God's power, the Twelve-Step program can be a tool to relive our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensatte for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood altering substances such as drugs and alcohol.
4. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feelings? Well obviously I used to use drugs and alcohol, but as I have said before, my crazy life began way before I picked up a drink. I can remember in childhood I used to lie lie lie and manipulate. I have seen this habit in my adult life as well. I have been trying to work on this during the past year. Sometimes I lie and I don't even know I did it. I have prayed that God would show me these before and after they happen. I know my whole family has been frustrated with me that I change my story quite frequently. This has been hard for me to break. The only way I can describe it is that I tell someone I bought two green trash cans and then say I bought two black trash cans. It is not that I am lying. I have the idea correct, just the details get mixed up. I try not to make excuses for this, but I have tried to figure out why this happens to me so much. When talking to my therapist she reminded me that I talk so fast. I talk faster than my brain goes. I need to try to pause before I answer. I have also used overeating as a way to cope. I feel like my whole life has been based on lies. I always want people to think that things are better or that I am something different than I truely am. I hate this because it has got me to this point that I am today that I really don't know who I am. I hyperfocus on things to cope. I overspend to cope.
The book says: God has given us free will. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfectiion means we need God, and that is OK
5. Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendecy to deny your need for healing. This one is a hard thing for me to answer. As an adult, although I am a Christian, I was constantly seeking ways to change. But I can see how my addiction, and before that my "life" got in the way of my relationship with God. As a teenager and young adult I was very involved in Church and the youth group. I think I used this as a show so everyone would like me. Back then I remember feeling embarrassed to seek help for what was really going through my head because everyone viewed me as something I really wasnt
The book says: Working the steps with God's help enables us to acknowledge much of our negative or repressed nature. This process is similar to sunlight and shadow. When we stand in the sunlight, we see that we cast a shadow. In the same way, as we begin to work the steps and measure ourselves by God's standards and principles, we see our need. We learn to look fearlessly at our "shadow"-that part of us that has been ignored for so long. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
Thought: God's judgment: we get what we deserve.
God's mercy: we don't get what we deserve.
God's grace: we get more than we deserve.
God doesn't have any problems, only plans.
6. What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow? The first thing that comes to mind is my inconsistancy with everything in my life. I start out with good "intentions" and only get lazy and don't follow through. I guess my next behavior is lazyness. I hate this. I also have the bad behavior of not telling the whole story or speaking before I think like I said above. I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people and manipulate. I am always thinking of "me" first.
The book ends week 1 with this: With God's power, the Twelve-Step program can be a tool to relive our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
From the mouths of babes
Ok. I keep getting up and doing something. Then I remember something else I want to say. I hate ritalin. I have to take it because I was diagnosed with a form of Narcolepsy and it helps my ADD. ADD is very different than ADHD. I wish I had the hyperactivity at times. Without medication I would want to sleep or fall asleep spontaneously and become lazy with a cluttered mind. But some days the ritalin makes me anxious and I tend to hyperfocus on one thing, usually my computer or a craft. I have been trying to redirect the hyperfocus to something useful like cleaning my house. Today is starting out like one of those days. But anyway I wanted to write about what my son said yesterday.
I smoke. I hate it. My mom died from it and she quit for 15 years. It is one of those things I know I am going to have to do for my own health and my sons. My husband smokes too. I also need to lose weight and I plan on doing both of these together. Anyway, yesterday I was outside smoking with my son playing with his scooter on the deck and he said "Mommy, you are going to die from those smokes". It hit me like a ton of bricks that he is so aware of everything. Redirecting his energy is another unmanagable of mine. CAN I PLEASE FINISH THE HOUSE FIRST!!! {smiles}. So my son knows that I can die from smoking.
Since losing my job at the preschool I have had a hard time keeping him busy here at the house. Again, having the house orderly will make things easier on me. I have a lot of plans for him while he is home with me but I am trying to finish the house first. Just this morning I had to listen to him yell and scream and throw a tantrum because he wanted his big Christmas Snow Globe out of the basement. I gave in and got it. I could not handle the noise of him, TV, and the every 9 minute alarm going off. Ugh. Right now he is ranting about going outside and climbing on me and yelling about whatever. He has a pretend friend that he calls his ghost. This concerned me for a while until my dad reminded me that my sister had a pretend friend to. Now he is asking me to clip his fingernails that don't need to be done.
I am going batty. LORD please help my brain. I should probably eat something. One of the side effects of Ritalin is I forget to eat which makes my anxiety worse. Some yogurt sounds good. I will be back.
I smoke. I hate it. My mom died from it and she quit for 15 years. It is one of those things I know I am going to have to do for my own health and my sons. My husband smokes too. I also need to lose weight and I plan on doing both of these together. Anyway, yesterday I was outside smoking with my son playing with his scooter on the deck and he said "Mommy, you are going to die from those smokes". It hit me like a ton of bricks that he is so aware of everything. Redirecting his energy is another unmanagable of mine. CAN I PLEASE FINISH THE HOUSE FIRST!!! {smiles}. So my son knows that I can die from smoking.
Since losing my job at the preschool I have had a hard time keeping him busy here at the house. Again, having the house orderly will make things easier on me. I have a lot of plans for him while he is home with me but I am trying to finish the house first. Just this morning I had to listen to him yell and scream and throw a tantrum because he wanted his big Christmas Snow Globe out of the basement. I gave in and got it. I could not handle the noise of him, TV, and the every 9 minute alarm going off. Ugh. Right now he is ranting about going outside and climbing on me and yelling about whatever. He has a pretend friend that he calls his ghost. This concerned me for a while until my dad reminded me that my sister had a pretend friend to. Now he is asking me to clip his fingernails that don't need to be done.
I am going batty. LORD please help my brain. I should probably eat something. One of the side effects of Ritalin is I forget to eat which makes my anxiety worse. Some yogurt sounds good. I will be back.
Rant
Almost 10:00 and my husband still has not gotten out of bed. I keep praying that God will take away my worry because if I start spinning in my brain it is really hard for me to do the next right thing. I am between laundry loads and I have to get it done before I can continue in the dining room. My house is #1 on my unmanagable list. Maybe it is my ADD brain that makes this so hard for me. I have had a hard time keeping anything neat and tidy my whole life. It is overwhelming and frustrating. I always wished those ladies from "How clean is your house"
show would show up at my door and help me. My old sponsor offered to come over to help but frankly, I am too embarrassed to have anyone over. My step mother bitched at me this week over this because I will not let them come over to see my son. She said if it is that messy then my son should not be here. That hurts. This time I am serious about getting it done and keeping it that way but it will take me a while to get it done. I don't think I will ever be a neat freak. I just want a comfortable house for my family that I would open the door to anyone that shows up and let them in. When I get going like this (there goes that fucking alarm and my husband hitting snooze), anyway as I was saying. When I get going like this, Itry to keep in mind how far I have come in the house and give myself some credit. Now the damn "I" button on my laptop is not working properly. sigh. I plan on having the house 75% done by Sunday as I would like my father and step mom to come over next week. My husband will be here to help. Although, he has taken the responsibility of taking the trash out on Thursday nights and it did not get done, so now it will sit in our breezeway until next week. Ugh. My nose ring broke again and it had not healed yet so I have to get another one. OK OK I am ranting.... better here than holding it in my brain......
show would show up at my door and help me. My old sponsor offered to come over to help but frankly, I am too embarrassed to have anyone over. My step mother bitched at me this week over this because I will not let them come over to see my son. She said if it is that messy then my son should not be here. That hurts. This time I am serious about getting it done and keeping it that way but it will take me a while to get it done. I don't think I will ever be a neat freak. I just want a comfortable house for my family that I would open the door to anyone that shows up and let them in. When I get going like this (there goes that fucking alarm and my husband hitting snooze), anyway as I was saying. When I get going like this, Itry to keep in mind how far I have come in the house and give myself some credit. Now the damn "I" button on my laptop is not working properly. sigh. I plan on having the house 75% done by Sunday as I would like my father and step mom to come over next week. My husband will be here to help. Although, he has taken the responsibility of taking the trash out on Thursday nights and it did not get done, so now it will sit in our breezeway until next week. Ugh. My nose ring broke again and it had not healed yet so I have to get another one. OK OK I am ranting.... better here than holding it in my brain......
Another mornng blah
I did not sleep well last night. Maybe it is this medication that I am coming off of or just one night. I don't know. My husband, again, is almost an hour late for work, but I promised myself that I was going to quit nagging him and let him be an adult and get up on his own. My son sneeked downstairs to sleep in our bed. My husband gets mad about this, but I really think it is cute.
After awakening, I fed my son and read my pages 86-88 of the big book and said a prayer asking God to take away selfish thinking or point it out to me when I do it. Asking for his will to be done. I ask him to show me what my next step should be during the day or "the next right thing"
Since I pretty much conquored my living room except some dusting and some clean laundry to put up I will work on the dining room and laundry today which should give me some more time to work on my workbook between loads and also work on step 1 (unmanagable list).
Right now my son is driving me a little nuts wanting my time. He gets jealous when I am on here or on the phone or doing anything for myself. I keep hearing the alarm go off every 9 minutes and my husband just hitting snooze. I have asked God to help me not worry about his job as this gets my head going in directions I don't want.
After awakening, I fed my son and read my pages 86-88 of the big book and said a prayer asking God to take away selfish thinking or point it out to me when I do it. Asking for his will to be done. I ask him to show me what my next step should be during the day or "the next right thing"
Since I pretty much conquored my living room except some dusting and some clean laundry to put up I will work on the dining room and laundry today which should give me some more time to work on my workbook between loads and also work on step 1 (unmanagable list).
Right now my son is driving me a little nuts wanting my time. He gets jealous when I am on here or on the phone or doing anything for myself. I keep hearing the alarm go off every 9 minutes and my husband just hitting snooze. I have asked God to help me not worry about his job as this gets my head going in directions I don't want.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Workbook - week one
I am working on a biblical workbook that follows the AA 12 steps. I plan to put the questions and answers on here. The questions are in bold and the answers are in regular italic type. I have also started to highlight some of the text for here as typing all of it would be too much for me.
1. Descibe your practice of prayer, Bible reading or quiet time. - I try to start my day by reading pages 86-88 of the Big Book. As I have said in a previous post. This is how I try to start my day. I think that this is how I should start my day everyday, but sometimes my own need to sleep or my 4 year old decides otherwise, but I still try to squeeze it in. Alcohol and life put a barrier between my contact with God, but now I feel his gentle nudging on me. I should try to set aside some meditation and bible reading time, but I am so overwhelmed with everything else, that this is rarely done, but I do talk to God throughout the day. I have a hard time "giving" up everything in my life to God. It is me still wanting to controll the course of my life at times, but at other times I say to myself "Jesus, take the wheel, or thy will be done or let go let God or this too shall pass". I have a hard time being consistant with that though. Making excuses or getting caught up in what "I" want gets in the way. I think tomorrow I will try this: get up, feed my son, take a shower and read my pages 86-88 of the Big Book, say my prayer andgo from there. I know it is tnot everything I should do but at least it is a start and I can create some consistancy out of it. Then, in the afternoon, I will work on my workbook questions. Evenings go to my meetings since my new sponsor has challenged me to 3 a week when I was only going to 1 ( and sometimes missing that). After that, do the daily reflection on my blog ( hopefully) if not, I will squeeze it in during the day.
2. Descibe your present spiritual condition: I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and it is through that grace that I am given eternal life in heaven. That pretty much sums it up. Being consistant with it, however, is harder done than said. I always have that belief, but with that belief makes me responsible for seeking his word through the bible and seeking spiritual surroundings including a new home church which I have not done. Do I know where I am going when I die? You bet? But I think that God is saddened by my disconnect from him due to my addictions, life, and selfish nature. But with Jesus's death comes Grace and Grace is a big thing. I think God must have given me a lot of leftover grace, because I am alive after all I have done, but I still think that God screwed up somewhere in the creation of me. I know that sounds horrible, but my self esteem or "God" esteem is very low. But I learned through my old sponsor that low "self" esteem is still drowning myself in "self" and selfish tendencies. Just as bad as thinking I am the ruler of the world and all great.
3. Recall one painful incident from childhood. I don't know if this really happened, but it is something that I have in my head regarding an incident with my Mother. Regardless if it happened or not, it is a feeling and feelings are real. I remember sitting on the back porch with a balogne sandwich. My mom was inside doing something - I don't know what. My balogne ended up falling on the concrete and I knocked on the door asking my mom for a new sandwich. I don't remember crying or not but I remember her saying that I needed to pick the balogne up and eat \it. There was ants all over it. I also remember that I had this tiny wagon that held alphabet blocks in it and had a string that I could pull it all around. I remember my mom watching soap operas a lot or Phil Donahue. I remember the gate being up at my bedroom door so I could not get out and she would come and dump marshmellows in my little wagon. I don't know why this disturbs me so much. I felt pushed aside, and locked up in my room.
1. Descibe your practice of prayer, Bible reading or quiet time. - I try to start my day by reading pages 86-88 of the Big Book. As I have said in a previous post. This is how I try to start my day. I think that this is how I should start my day everyday, but sometimes my own need to sleep or my 4 year old decides otherwise, but I still try to squeeze it in. Alcohol and life put a barrier between my contact with God, but now I feel his gentle nudging on me. I should try to set aside some meditation and bible reading time, but I am so overwhelmed with everything else, that this is rarely done, but I do talk to God throughout the day. I have a hard time "giving" up everything in my life to God. It is me still wanting to controll the course of my life at times, but at other times I say to myself "Jesus, take the wheel, or thy will be done or let go let God or this too shall pass". I have a hard time being consistant with that though. Making excuses or getting caught up in what "I" want gets in the way. I think tomorrow I will try this: get up, feed my son, take a shower and read my pages 86-88 of the Big Book, say my prayer andgo from there. I know it is tnot everything I should do but at least it is a start and I can create some consistancy out of it. Then, in the afternoon, I will work on my workbook questions. Evenings go to my meetings since my new sponsor has challenged me to 3 a week when I was only going to 1 ( and sometimes missing that). After that, do the daily reflection on my blog ( hopefully) if not, I will squeeze it in during the day.
2. Descibe your present spiritual condition: I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and it is through that grace that I am given eternal life in heaven. That pretty much sums it up. Being consistant with it, however, is harder done than said. I always have that belief, but with that belief makes me responsible for seeking his word through the bible and seeking spiritual surroundings including a new home church which I have not done. Do I know where I am going when I die? You bet? But I think that God is saddened by my disconnect from him due to my addictions, life, and selfish nature. But with Jesus's death comes Grace and Grace is a big thing. I think God must have given me a lot of leftover grace, because I am alive after all I have done, but I still think that God screwed up somewhere in the creation of me. I know that sounds horrible, but my self esteem or "God" esteem is very low. But I learned through my old sponsor that low "self" esteem is still drowning myself in "self" and selfish tendencies. Just as bad as thinking I am the ruler of the world and all great.
3. Recall one painful incident from childhood. I don't know if this really happened, but it is something that I have in my head regarding an incident with my Mother. Regardless if it happened or not, it is a feeling and feelings are real. I remember sitting on the back porch with a balogne sandwich. My mom was inside doing something - I don't know what. My balogne ended up falling on the concrete and I knocked on the door asking my mom for a new sandwich. I don't remember crying or not but I remember her saying that I needed to pick the balogne up and eat \it. There was ants all over it. I also remember that I had this tiny wagon that held alphabet blocks in it and had a string that I could pull it all around. I remember my mom watching soap operas a lot or Phil Donahue. I remember the gate being up at my bedroom door so I could not get out and she would come and dump marshmellows in my little wagon. I don't know why this disturbs me so much. I felt pushed aside, and locked up in my room.
Rainy Days
This morning I started reading again pages 86-88 of the big book. This tells you how to pray for God to lead you during the day and to pray for other people. This gets me out of my "self" as I tend to be a selfish person. So I prayed that my husband would be able to get out of bed by himself with little "nagging" by me and that God lead me in the right direction this morning and to remind me to come back to him throughout the day so I stay SOBER. As I said in an earlier post. I hate mornings most days. But my old sponsor said what my new sponsor said last night during our meeting that we need to pray that God shows us the next right thing to do. I try to remember to practice this as it keeps me moving throughout the day and helps with my inconsistancy. So after reading my pages, the next right thing to do was to sit on the floor with my son for a bit and watch Sesame Street because that is what he was needing at that moment. After that, the next right thing to do for my sobriety was to write on here a bit in the morning.
I had an excellent meeting with my new sponsor last night. As I now know, through therapy, that I have an extremely hard time building relationships with women. This stems from my own hectic relationship with my mother growing up. So I know it is natural for me to keep her at arms length for a while, but I was honest with her about this defect and I prayed for her patience as she and I continue a relationship. After thinking about this for a while, I think that this is what happened with my previous sponsor. It bothered me for several days why the relationship did not work out. When thinking about it and praying about it, I remembered a conversation with my therapist several weeks ago when she said she thought I had a hard time trusting and building relationships with women or I try too hard just to get them to like me. This makes sense because every job I have had that I had to work under another woman, I have lost. I have very few female friends. I know that God lead me to my first sponsor at that time in my life because of what she said about her kids, but things faded over the last 3 months or so. I know I kept her at arms length and I just wanted her to like me. Knowing this now, I did tell my new sponsor of this so she can keep an eye on it and help me through it. It is funny how God uses every situation as a way to learn and grow if we are just willing to listen - and I did. I see that God had a plan for my old sponsor and for me to learn from it. Problem is - I have no idea in hell how to build relationships. My selfish, lying, manipulating self still shows its ugly head at times. Sometimes I don't even know that it happened until afterwards and sometimes I don't see it at all unless someone points it out to me.
Well at least I am more aware of it now. And hey - my new sponsor has a POOL - YAHOOIE. Looking forward to some water therapy as well. She works in a way I like and with her professional credintials - I think she has a wealth of knowledge to help me. I just hope I have something to give back.
The next right thing to do now is get ready and do some cleaning in my living room. I WILL conquor my living room today. I have to take my son for a haircut and I will post later more about my meeting with my new sponsor and what I learned about step one and work a little on my workbook on here. I also have a meeting to go to tonight.
I had an excellent meeting with my new sponsor last night. As I now know, through therapy, that I have an extremely hard time building relationships with women. This stems from my own hectic relationship with my mother growing up. So I know it is natural for me to keep her at arms length for a while, but I was honest with her about this defect and I prayed for her patience as she and I continue a relationship. After thinking about this for a while, I think that this is what happened with my previous sponsor. It bothered me for several days why the relationship did not work out. When thinking about it and praying about it, I remembered a conversation with my therapist several weeks ago when she said she thought I had a hard time trusting and building relationships with women or I try too hard just to get them to like me. This makes sense because every job I have had that I had to work under another woman, I have lost. I have very few female friends. I know that God lead me to my first sponsor at that time in my life because of what she said about her kids, but things faded over the last 3 months or so. I know I kept her at arms length and I just wanted her to like me. Knowing this now, I did tell my new sponsor of this so she can keep an eye on it and help me through it. It is funny how God uses every situation as a way to learn and grow if we are just willing to listen - and I did. I see that God had a plan for my old sponsor and for me to learn from it. Problem is - I have no idea in hell how to build relationships. My selfish, lying, manipulating self still shows its ugly head at times. Sometimes I don't even know that it happened until afterwards and sometimes I don't see it at all unless someone points it out to me.
Well at least I am more aware of it now. And hey - my new sponsor has a POOL - YAHOOIE. Looking forward to some water therapy as well. She works in a way I like and with her professional credintials - I think she has a wealth of knowledge to help me. I just hope I have something to give back.
The next right thing to do now is get ready and do some cleaning in my living room. I WILL conquor my living room today. I have to take my son for a haircut and I will post later more about my meeting with my new sponsor and what I learned about step one and work a little on my workbook on here. I also have a meeting to go to tonight.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
So I moved
This morning has been very uncomfortable for me. I don't know why. May be the fact that I am overwhelmed once again by everything I have to do or the fact that my husband did not go to work today and blamed me. I hate that! I am not responsible for a grown man getting up and going to work as an engineer. He has missed several days this year. I am worried he may lose his job. I don't work so this is a huge stress for me. He had almost a breakdown a few weeks ago and now I feel like I have to "fix" him, even though the better part of me knows that I am not responsible for this. But that is the "fixer" in me. Fix everyone but myself. So I am sitting here watching "peep" with my son while my husband does what he always does at home, sits on the computer. Ugh. I hope he does not lose his job. That would REALLY be a bad thing for my family.
I hate mornings
I don't know why I have such a hard time with mornings. I can get up ok because of my son, but it takes me an hour or so to get moving and some days I hardly move at all. So I thought I might do some blogging in the morning. I cannot find my daily reflection book. I hate that I lose things so much. Just like my house, my brain is so disorganized. My anxiety is showing its ugly head this morning. The doctor's are slowly pulling me off my anxiety medication so maybe that is it. I will have to buy another daily reflection book tonight at my meeting. My new sponsor and I are going out for coffee afterwards to get to know each other. Today I will start to work on the workbook on here after I clean the kitchen. ugh. The kitchen. Right now I cannot move. I wish I had an opportunity to really wake up and read my morning meditation before anyone gets up. Just another thing to add to my list of "should do's" ugh - morning.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Let's start from scratch
Ok Ok... I have been horrible at this. blogging thing. I am not going to make excuses but my old sponsor was not too into the whole "technology" thing when I am a "techy" kind of girl. New Sponsor? (you might be asking). I shoulda seen the headlights coming like at the end of a tunnel but I guess I was hoping things would be fine. We are still friends and all but she said I was not giving her anything. What am I supposed to give? Was I not honest enough? I am hard to get close to. I don't know what happened so I will call it a God thing and moved on. She helped save my life in the beginning. My main reason, at the beginning of my sobriety, for drinking was that I was not a good mother which I have moved past for the most part. I still think I was the best mother I could be and I am raising a son who seems to have suffered no permanent damage from me LOL. At one meeting I was feeling strange that I had not been an active drug or booze user for very long. It was off and on for 4 years and most people have drank for a while and I said that my crazy life started way before I picked up a drink. My unmanagables as I call them. My new sponsor picked up on this and I have listened to her for quite a while. She has many years of sobriety (that was not my main need), but she has a counseling in this field and she loves the Lord which is very important for me.
SOOOOOO for all you reading this I am going to do my VERY best at being consistant with my blog as I think this is theraputic. But I have a cool new workbook through my counselor that I want to work on and share on here. So I will start again with step 1 (for the workbooks sake LOL). 1 year and 1 month sober and I am going back to step one. Oh well. Since I lost my job I should find plenty of time to blog. I hope. 4 year olds have their own agenda.
God bless and Good Night
SOOOOOO for all you reading this I am going to do my VERY best at being consistant with my blog as I think this is theraputic. But I have a cool new workbook through my counselor that I want to work on and share on here. So I will start again with step 1 (for the workbooks sake LOL). 1 year and 1 month sober and I am going back to step one. Oh well. Since I lost my job I should find plenty of time to blog. I hope. 4 year olds have their own agenda.
God bless and Good Night
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