Ok. I keep getting up and doing something. Then I remember something else I want to say. I hate ritalin. I have to take it because I was diagnosed with a form of Narcolepsy and it helps my ADD. ADD is very different than ADHD. I wish I had the hyperactivity at times. Without medication I would want to sleep or fall asleep spontaneously and become lazy with a cluttered mind. But some days the ritalin makes me anxious and I tend to hyperfocus on one thing, usually my computer or a craft. I have been trying to redirect the hyperfocus to something useful like cleaning my house. Today is starting out like one of those days. But anyway I wanted to write about what my son said yesterday.
I smoke. I hate it. My mom died from it and she quit for 15 years. It is one of those things I know I am going to have to do for my own health and my sons. My husband smokes too. I also need to lose weight and I plan on doing both of these together. Anyway, yesterday I was outside smoking with my son playing with his scooter on the deck and he said "Mommy, you are going to die from those smokes". It hit me like a ton of bricks that he is so aware of everything. Redirecting his energy is another unmanagable of mine. CAN I PLEASE FINISH THE HOUSE FIRST!!! {smiles}. So my son knows that I can die from smoking.
Since losing my job at the preschool I have had a hard time keeping him busy here at the house. Again, having the house orderly will make things easier on me. I have a lot of plans for him while he is home with me but I am trying to finish the house first. Just this morning I had to listen to him yell and scream and throw a tantrum because he wanted his big Christmas Snow Globe out of the basement. I gave in and got it. I could not handle the noise of him, TV, and the every 9 minute alarm going off. Ugh. Right now he is ranting about going outside and climbing on me and yelling about whatever. He has a pretend friend that he calls his ghost. This concerned me for a while until my dad reminded me that my sister had a pretend friend to. Now he is asking me to clip his fingernails that don't need to be done.
I am going batty. LORD please help my brain. I should probably eat something. One of the side effects of Ritalin is I forget to eat which makes my anxiety worse. Some yogurt sounds good. I will be back.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Rant
Almost 10:00 and my husband still has not gotten out of bed. I keep praying that God will take away my worry because if I start spinning in my brain it is really hard for me to do the next right thing. I am between laundry loads and I have to get it done before I can continue in the dining room. My house is #1 on my unmanagable list. Maybe it is my ADD brain that makes this so hard for me. I have had a hard time keeping anything neat and tidy my whole life. It is overwhelming and frustrating. I always wished those ladies from "How clean is your house"
show would show up at my door and help me. My old sponsor offered to come over to help but frankly, I am too embarrassed to have anyone over. My step mother bitched at me this week over this because I will not let them come over to see my son. She said if it is that messy then my son should not be here. That hurts. This time I am serious about getting it done and keeping it that way but it will take me a while to get it done. I don't think I will ever be a neat freak. I just want a comfortable house for my family that I would open the door to anyone that shows up and let them in. When I get going like this (there goes that fucking alarm and my husband hitting snooze), anyway as I was saying. When I get going like this, Itry to keep in mind how far I have come in the house and give myself some credit. Now the damn "I" button on my laptop is not working properly. sigh. I plan on having the house 75% done by Sunday as I would like my father and step mom to come over next week. My husband will be here to help. Although, he has taken the responsibility of taking the trash out on Thursday nights and it did not get done, so now it will sit in our breezeway until next week. Ugh. My nose ring broke again and it had not healed yet so I have to get another one. OK OK I am ranting.... better here than holding it in my brain......
show would show up at my door and help me. My old sponsor offered to come over to help but frankly, I am too embarrassed to have anyone over. My step mother bitched at me this week over this because I will not let them come over to see my son. She said if it is that messy then my son should not be here. That hurts. This time I am serious about getting it done and keeping it that way but it will take me a while to get it done. I don't think I will ever be a neat freak. I just want a comfortable house for my family that I would open the door to anyone that shows up and let them in. When I get going like this (there goes that fucking alarm and my husband hitting snooze), anyway as I was saying. When I get going like this, Itry to keep in mind how far I have come in the house and give myself some credit. Now the damn "I" button on my laptop is not working properly. sigh. I plan on having the house 75% done by Sunday as I would like my father and step mom to come over next week. My husband will be here to help. Although, he has taken the responsibility of taking the trash out on Thursday nights and it did not get done, so now it will sit in our breezeway until next week. Ugh. My nose ring broke again and it had not healed yet so I have to get another one. OK OK I am ranting.... better here than holding it in my brain......
Another mornng blah
I did not sleep well last night. Maybe it is this medication that I am coming off of or just one night. I don't know. My husband, again, is almost an hour late for work, but I promised myself that I was going to quit nagging him and let him be an adult and get up on his own. My son sneeked downstairs to sleep in our bed. My husband gets mad about this, but I really think it is cute.
After awakening, I fed my son and read my pages 86-88 of the big book and said a prayer asking God to take away selfish thinking or point it out to me when I do it. Asking for his will to be done. I ask him to show me what my next step should be during the day or "the next right thing"
Since I pretty much conquored my living room except some dusting and some clean laundry to put up I will work on the dining room and laundry today which should give me some more time to work on my workbook between loads and also work on step 1 (unmanagable list).
Right now my son is driving me a little nuts wanting my time. He gets jealous when I am on here or on the phone or doing anything for myself. I keep hearing the alarm go off every 9 minutes and my husband just hitting snooze. I have asked God to help me not worry about his job as this gets my head going in directions I don't want.
After awakening, I fed my son and read my pages 86-88 of the big book and said a prayer asking God to take away selfish thinking or point it out to me when I do it. Asking for his will to be done. I ask him to show me what my next step should be during the day or "the next right thing"
Since I pretty much conquored my living room except some dusting and some clean laundry to put up I will work on the dining room and laundry today which should give me some more time to work on my workbook between loads and also work on step 1 (unmanagable list).
Right now my son is driving me a little nuts wanting my time. He gets jealous when I am on here or on the phone or doing anything for myself. I keep hearing the alarm go off every 9 minutes and my husband just hitting snooze. I have asked God to help me not worry about his job as this gets my head going in directions I don't want.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Workbook - week one
I am working on a biblical workbook that follows the AA 12 steps. I plan to put the questions and answers on here. The questions are in bold and the answers are in regular italic type. I have also started to highlight some of the text for here as typing all of it would be too much for me.
1. Descibe your practice of prayer, Bible reading or quiet time. - I try to start my day by reading pages 86-88 of the Big Book. As I have said in a previous post. This is how I try to start my day. I think that this is how I should start my day everyday, but sometimes my own need to sleep or my 4 year old decides otherwise, but I still try to squeeze it in. Alcohol and life put a barrier between my contact with God, but now I feel his gentle nudging on me. I should try to set aside some meditation and bible reading time, but I am so overwhelmed with everything else, that this is rarely done, but I do talk to God throughout the day. I have a hard time "giving" up everything in my life to God. It is me still wanting to controll the course of my life at times, but at other times I say to myself "Jesus, take the wheel, or thy will be done or let go let God or this too shall pass". I have a hard time being consistant with that though. Making excuses or getting caught up in what "I" want gets in the way. I think tomorrow I will try this: get up, feed my son, take a shower and read my pages 86-88 of the Big Book, say my prayer andgo from there. I know it is tnot everything I should do but at least it is a start and I can create some consistancy out of it. Then, in the afternoon, I will work on my workbook questions. Evenings go to my meetings since my new sponsor has challenged me to 3 a week when I was only going to 1 ( and sometimes missing that). After that, do the daily reflection on my blog ( hopefully) if not, I will squeeze it in during the day.
2. Descibe your present spiritual condition: I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and it is through that grace that I am given eternal life in heaven. That pretty much sums it up. Being consistant with it, however, is harder done than said. I always have that belief, but with that belief makes me responsible for seeking his word through the bible and seeking spiritual surroundings including a new home church which I have not done. Do I know where I am going when I die? You bet? But I think that God is saddened by my disconnect from him due to my addictions, life, and selfish nature. But with Jesus's death comes Grace and Grace is a big thing. I think God must have given me a lot of leftover grace, because I am alive after all I have done, but I still think that God screwed up somewhere in the creation of me. I know that sounds horrible, but my self esteem or "God" esteem is very low. But I learned through my old sponsor that low "self" esteem is still drowning myself in "self" and selfish tendencies. Just as bad as thinking I am the ruler of the world and all great.
3. Recall one painful incident from childhood. I don't know if this really happened, but it is something that I have in my head regarding an incident with my Mother. Regardless if it happened or not, it is a feeling and feelings are real. I remember sitting on the back porch with a balogne sandwich. My mom was inside doing something - I don't know what. My balogne ended up falling on the concrete and I knocked on the door asking my mom for a new sandwich. I don't remember crying or not but I remember her saying that I needed to pick the balogne up and eat \it. There was ants all over it. I also remember that I had this tiny wagon that held alphabet blocks in it and had a string that I could pull it all around. I remember my mom watching soap operas a lot or Phil Donahue. I remember the gate being up at my bedroom door so I could not get out and she would come and dump marshmellows in my little wagon. I don't know why this disturbs me so much. I felt pushed aside, and locked up in my room.
1. Descibe your practice of prayer, Bible reading or quiet time. - I try to start my day by reading pages 86-88 of the Big Book. As I have said in a previous post. This is how I try to start my day. I think that this is how I should start my day everyday, but sometimes my own need to sleep or my 4 year old decides otherwise, but I still try to squeeze it in. Alcohol and life put a barrier between my contact with God, but now I feel his gentle nudging on me. I should try to set aside some meditation and bible reading time, but I am so overwhelmed with everything else, that this is rarely done, but I do talk to God throughout the day. I have a hard time "giving" up everything in my life to God. It is me still wanting to controll the course of my life at times, but at other times I say to myself "Jesus, take the wheel, or thy will be done or let go let God or this too shall pass". I have a hard time being consistant with that though. Making excuses or getting caught up in what "I" want gets in the way. I think tomorrow I will try this: get up, feed my son, take a shower and read my pages 86-88 of the Big Book, say my prayer andgo from there. I know it is tnot everything I should do but at least it is a start and I can create some consistancy out of it. Then, in the afternoon, I will work on my workbook questions. Evenings go to my meetings since my new sponsor has challenged me to 3 a week when I was only going to 1 ( and sometimes missing that). After that, do the daily reflection on my blog ( hopefully) if not, I will squeeze it in during the day.
2. Descibe your present spiritual condition: I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and it is through that grace that I am given eternal life in heaven. That pretty much sums it up. Being consistant with it, however, is harder done than said. I always have that belief, but with that belief makes me responsible for seeking his word through the bible and seeking spiritual surroundings including a new home church which I have not done. Do I know where I am going when I die? You bet? But I think that God is saddened by my disconnect from him due to my addictions, life, and selfish nature. But with Jesus's death comes Grace and Grace is a big thing. I think God must have given me a lot of leftover grace, because I am alive after all I have done, but I still think that God screwed up somewhere in the creation of me. I know that sounds horrible, but my self esteem or "God" esteem is very low. But I learned through my old sponsor that low "self" esteem is still drowning myself in "self" and selfish tendencies. Just as bad as thinking I am the ruler of the world and all great.
3. Recall one painful incident from childhood. I don't know if this really happened, but it is something that I have in my head regarding an incident with my Mother. Regardless if it happened or not, it is a feeling and feelings are real. I remember sitting on the back porch with a balogne sandwich. My mom was inside doing something - I don't know what. My balogne ended up falling on the concrete and I knocked on the door asking my mom for a new sandwich. I don't remember crying or not but I remember her saying that I needed to pick the balogne up and eat \it. There was ants all over it. I also remember that I had this tiny wagon that held alphabet blocks in it and had a string that I could pull it all around. I remember my mom watching soap operas a lot or Phil Donahue. I remember the gate being up at my bedroom door so I could not get out and she would come and dump marshmellows in my little wagon. I don't know why this disturbs me so much. I felt pushed aside, and locked up in my room.
Rainy Days
This morning I started reading again pages 86-88 of the big book. This tells you how to pray for God to lead you during the day and to pray for other people. This gets me out of my "self" as I tend to be a selfish person. So I prayed that my husband would be able to get out of bed by himself with little "nagging" by me and that God lead me in the right direction this morning and to remind me to come back to him throughout the day so I stay SOBER. As I said in an earlier post. I hate mornings most days. But my old sponsor said what my new sponsor said last night during our meeting that we need to pray that God shows us the next right thing to do. I try to remember to practice this as it keeps me moving throughout the day and helps with my inconsistancy. So after reading my pages, the next right thing to do was to sit on the floor with my son for a bit and watch Sesame Street because that is what he was needing at that moment. After that, the next right thing to do for my sobriety was to write on here a bit in the morning.
I had an excellent meeting with my new sponsor last night. As I now know, through therapy, that I have an extremely hard time building relationships with women. This stems from my own hectic relationship with my mother growing up. So I know it is natural for me to keep her at arms length for a while, but I was honest with her about this defect and I prayed for her patience as she and I continue a relationship. After thinking about this for a while, I think that this is what happened with my previous sponsor. It bothered me for several days why the relationship did not work out. When thinking about it and praying about it, I remembered a conversation with my therapist several weeks ago when she said she thought I had a hard time trusting and building relationships with women or I try too hard just to get them to like me. This makes sense because every job I have had that I had to work under another woman, I have lost. I have very few female friends. I know that God lead me to my first sponsor at that time in my life because of what she said about her kids, but things faded over the last 3 months or so. I know I kept her at arms length and I just wanted her to like me. Knowing this now, I did tell my new sponsor of this so she can keep an eye on it and help me through it. It is funny how God uses every situation as a way to learn and grow if we are just willing to listen - and I did. I see that God had a plan for my old sponsor and for me to learn from it. Problem is - I have no idea in hell how to build relationships. My selfish, lying, manipulating self still shows its ugly head at times. Sometimes I don't even know that it happened until afterwards and sometimes I don't see it at all unless someone points it out to me.
Well at least I am more aware of it now. And hey - my new sponsor has a POOL - YAHOOIE. Looking forward to some water therapy as well. She works in a way I like and with her professional credintials - I think she has a wealth of knowledge to help me. I just hope I have something to give back.
The next right thing to do now is get ready and do some cleaning in my living room. I WILL conquor my living room today. I have to take my son for a haircut and I will post later more about my meeting with my new sponsor and what I learned about step one and work a little on my workbook on here. I also have a meeting to go to tonight.
I had an excellent meeting with my new sponsor last night. As I now know, through therapy, that I have an extremely hard time building relationships with women. This stems from my own hectic relationship with my mother growing up. So I know it is natural for me to keep her at arms length for a while, but I was honest with her about this defect and I prayed for her patience as she and I continue a relationship. After thinking about this for a while, I think that this is what happened with my previous sponsor. It bothered me for several days why the relationship did not work out. When thinking about it and praying about it, I remembered a conversation with my therapist several weeks ago when she said she thought I had a hard time trusting and building relationships with women or I try too hard just to get them to like me. This makes sense because every job I have had that I had to work under another woman, I have lost. I have very few female friends. I know that God lead me to my first sponsor at that time in my life because of what she said about her kids, but things faded over the last 3 months or so. I know I kept her at arms length and I just wanted her to like me. Knowing this now, I did tell my new sponsor of this so she can keep an eye on it and help me through it. It is funny how God uses every situation as a way to learn and grow if we are just willing to listen - and I did. I see that God had a plan for my old sponsor and for me to learn from it. Problem is - I have no idea in hell how to build relationships. My selfish, lying, manipulating self still shows its ugly head at times. Sometimes I don't even know that it happened until afterwards and sometimes I don't see it at all unless someone points it out to me.
Well at least I am more aware of it now. And hey - my new sponsor has a POOL - YAHOOIE. Looking forward to some water therapy as well. She works in a way I like and with her professional credintials - I think she has a wealth of knowledge to help me. I just hope I have something to give back.
The next right thing to do now is get ready and do some cleaning in my living room. I WILL conquor my living room today. I have to take my son for a haircut and I will post later more about my meeting with my new sponsor and what I learned about step one and work a little on my workbook on here. I also have a meeting to go to tonight.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
So I moved
This morning has been very uncomfortable for me. I don't know why. May be the fact that I am overwhelmed once again by everything I have to do or the fact that my husband did not go to work today and blamed me. I hate that! I am not responsible for a grown man getting up and going to work as an engineer. He has missed several days this year. I am worried he may lose his job. I don't work so this is a huge stress for me. He had almost a breakdown a few weeks ago and now I feel like I have to "fix" him, even though the better part of me knows that I am not responsible for this. But that is the "fixer" in me. Fix everyone but myself. So I am sitting here watching "peep" with my son while my husband does what he always does at home, sits on the computer. Ugh. I hope he does not lose his job. That would REALLY be a bad thing for my family.
I hate mornings
I don't know why I have such a hard time with mornings. I can get up ok because of my son, but it takes me an hour or so to get moving and some days I hardly move at all. So I thought I might do some blogging in the morning. I cannot find my daily reflection book. I hate that I lose things so much. Just like my house, my brain is so disorganized. My anxiety is showing its ugly head this morning. The doctor's are slowly pulling me off my anxiety medication so maybe that is it. I will have to buy another daily reflection book tonight at my meeting. My new sponsor and I are going out for coffee afterwards to get to know each other. Today I will start to work on the workbook on here after I clean the kitchen. ugh. The kitchen. Right now I cannot move. I wish I had an opportunity to really wake up and read my morning meditation before anyone gets up. Just another thing to add to my list of "should do's" ugh - morning.
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