I'm Part of the Whole

At once, I became a part - if only a tiny part-if a cosmos.... As Bill Sees It. p. 225

It goes on to say:

When I first came to AA, I decided that "they" were very nice people-perhaps a little naive, a little too friendly, but basically decent, earnest people (with whom I had nothing in common). I saw "them" at meetings-after all, that was where "they"existed. I shook hands with "them" and when I went out the door, I forgot about ""them".

Then one day my Higher Power, whom I did not believe in, arranged to create a community project outside of AA, but one which happened to involve many AA members. We worked together. I got to know "them" as people. I came to admire "them," even to like "them" and, in sppite of myself, to enjoy "them". "Their" practice of the program in their daily lives-not just in talk at meetings- attracted me and I wanted what they had. Suddenly the "they became "we". I have not had a drink since.

My thoughts:

One of my first dreads after drying up in detox was becoming accountable to an AA meeting schedule. It was just another "thing" I was not wanting to do. I felt like I would be walking into a room and everyone would stare at me or that I would be around a bunch of loser drunks who had all screwed up their lives. My selfish side felt like I was "too good" for these people and I would have nothing in common with them.

I remember walking into my first AA meeting and looking around and seeing people from all different walks of life. I saw a lady that looked like my mother in law, a biker guy, a teenager, and all different kinds of people. I looked at them. I listened to them and went home.

I still struggled with finding a group that I felt like I really belonged and I still felt like a thorn sticking out of a smooth surface. I still felt like I was too good for "these" people. I didn't want to be accountable to any group of any kind. I still struggle with the consistancy of going to meetings.

It wasn't until last fall when I finally felt the unity of the group. My sponsor invited me to go to a weekend camping trip with some fellow AA folk from her home group. I said I would go, but didn't really mean it at that time. Something nudged me to go and I was scared. I didn't want to stick out. I didn't want people to look at me. I remember I wanted to drive in the carpool, not only so I could smoke when I wanted to, but I wanted controll over something and driving would keep my attention on the road and I wouldn't have to interact as much with these people. I wanted my sponsor attached to me at the hip.

We would rotate people in the cars everytime we stopped, which immediately created a panic in me. I had to meet and talk to new people. I dreaded it. All the way there during that 3 hour drive I felt like I was the one everyone was talking about in the other cars.

Something happened during that camping trip that caused me to feel like a complete fool. It was almost like God was telling me, "What makes you think you are so special that these people are only focusing on you, get your head out of your ass and your ego out of the sky and have fun". It was probably the second day that I did just that. I did not wonder where my sponsor was all the time and started talking to people. I really tried, for the first time, to remind myself that these people aren't thinking how fat I am or how funny I look. Or those people on the bench are not whispering about me. I started to have fun.

On the way back, I had a blast, and I was driving. It was that weekend that started to change me regarding "these" people and how I thought about them.

I picked a home group that I felt comfortable with. A smaller group and tried to make an effort to go every week. Failing to do that quite often, but I am getting better.

I remember I was going consistantly for a few months and I missed a week. When I returned the following week, my absense was actually noticed. Part of my self-esteem problem is that I think that I am overlooked or not really cared about, or when I am noticed it is only in a negative way. But they noticed and missed me. Since I do try to contribute to each meeting by talking, my absense was noticed.

It was this moment that made me feel like I was a "part" of this group. In a positive way, I think I am looked at. Now I firmly believe that Satan wants me to think otherwise and will frequently put negative thoughts in my head which makes it difficult for me to maintain consistancy in going to the group everyweek (another one of my unmanagables). I have to pray every Wednesday for the willingness from God to go to the meeting, but the more I go, the more I feel like I am a part of something. Most importantly, I have the one thing in common with "these" people and that is the obsession for Alcohol. That one thread unites and the best part is we all seem to have the same higher power - Jesus Christ.

Cooties

It was interesting this morning watching the rain turn slowly into sleet and then to snow. It is amazing to me how God has created each and every thing and if I take the time, and slow down, I can notice the slightest change.

I remember when I first got sober how vibrant and extreme everything around me seemed. It was like my senses were on hyper mode for about 3 months. The colors seemed brighter, the noises louder, smells and tastes were all more potent. At that time, most of it irritated me. It was like all of the sudden I had the "Oh Shit factor".

My sponsor told me that she once heard what SOBER really means - "Son of a Bitch, everything is REAL". That is exactly how you feel. FEELING was uncomfortable. Sometimes it still is, but now it isn't all the time. I can actually enjoy most of the pleasant feelings and actually enjoy noticing things around me such as this morning with the snow.

Now going out and driving in it is a different story. I had to go to the immediate care with my son so we could get checked out and get notes to go back to work/preschool on Monday. I am looking forward to the routine again. Being out a week makes me feel lazy. I was so sick this week. Turns out I have strep throat, an ear and bladder infection. No wonder I have been feeling the "ick" as I have said in previous posts.

I had a hard time waking up this morning. With my husband here on the weekend I don't feel like I have to keep one eye open all the time if I need to doze on the couch and I did sleep in quite a bit on the couch.

Nothing much got done today regarding my unmanagables, but by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Hopefully with the antibiotics in my system, the ick will be gone mostly tomorrow and I can work on cleaning and organizing my house. This task is high on my unmanagables - this is a totally long post in itself which I will go into later.

Daily Reflection - The Gift of Laughter

At this juncture, his AA sponsor usually laughs. -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 26

It goes on to say.....

Before my recovery from alcoholism began, laughter was one of the most painful sounds I knew. I never laughed and I felt that anyone else's laughter was directed at me! My self-pity and anger denied me the simplest of pleasures or lightneess of heart. By the end of my drinking not even alcohol could provoke a drunken giggle in me.

When my AA sponsor began to laugh and point out my self-pity and ego-feeding deceptions, I was annoyed and hurt, but it taught me to lighten up and focus on my recovery. I soon learned to laugh at myself and eventually I taught those I sponsor to laugh also. Every day I ask God to help me stop taking myself too seriously.

My thoughts:

Sometimes I think that God was asleep when my father's sperm met my mother's egg. Or another one I say is that my sister got the best of my parents while I got the worst.

I can remember a time when I could laugh and could laugh at myself. It seems as though I am fearful of feeling the joy of laughter because it all too soon goes away like the dew in the morning sun. I am constantly thinking people are laughing or talking about me. I think I am ugly, fat and totally unpredictable. These feelings are very apparent on days like today when I feel the "ick" as I said in my first post today.

I am uncomfortable around crowds. I can remember when I would social drink. I was heavier then, but in order for me to open up I had to slam back at least 4 shots of "Screaming Nazi's".

Now I feel like I have to force laughter. I know that is probably not true all the time, but when I get the "ick" it is hard to remember anything joyful.

It is Friday - my 10 year anniversary being married to the same man. At least I have been consistant at that. Good Night

In the Funk

I awoke this morning with the "ick". My Sponsor tells me that this is a feeling I get when I am not doing something right. Since I have been trying to start my day with reading the daily pages in my big book (which I don't have at the moment due to my son deciding to rip pages from it and color happy faces all over the others). They have it online, but the internet was down. My therapist wants me to follow how I feel because of also having depression.

I could say a lot about my health issues, but I try not to focus on them as much anymore. I found that if I don't dwell on them, they seem to not be as bad. But the "ick" is a heaviness in my middle and it almost makes me feel like I cannot put my shoes on and start the day. Maybe it is because we have all been sick in this house for the whole week. I started working at my son's preschool and I got the preschool cooties which have knocked me flat for a week.

I am still hacking and sneezing, but not as bad. Just fatigue. Fatigue is no new thing with me. Maybe it is my hormones causing me to look at everything so badly. Maybe it is because I forgot to call upon God and to send his Angels down to protect and guide.

I spent most of the morning sleeping while my son watched Noggin. Dozing mostly as I had one eye half open on him and both ears on alert. God bless his little heart, he knows when I feel bad I sleep.

It will be good to be back in a routine again next week with going back to work.

I still need to post my "unmanagables". Not in the mood. Just trying to stay consistant with this. Wondering if anyone is reading this.

It is getting late and I am going to try to go to sleep at a good time tonight. Want to catch up on what "Major Mom" is doing on her blog. She is a sweet person I met while I was hyperfocusing on my son's Christmas present "pixos". Those damn beads have become quite theraputic for me if I don't hyperfocus and overdo it - letting my unmanagables become totally out of controll.

My husband forgot to take all the trash out. AGAIN!!!!...... ugh.

Well, by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Just the ick and I don't know what it is from.

Daily Reflection - I'm Not Different

In the beginning, it was four whole years before AA brought permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the "high bottoms," the women said they were different;...The Skid-Rower said he was different...so did the artists and the professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the Indians and the Eskimos, the veterans and the prisoners...nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are finally down. As Bill Sees It p. 24

As I reflect on this, I have a very hard time with its message. I feel like, as a unity, AA has many things in common, but woman have very different alcoholic strings that make us up. I once read, while in detox, a book about alcoholic woman. Woman drink for different reasons, the alcohol gets in our system quicker, we become addicted faster, and die sooner if not treated.

I understand that we must have unity in AA or we end up seperating everybody and then seperating myself from God. But God made me a Woman, and he intended differences to be there. That is why I did enjoy some of the Woman only meetings online and here in my home town.

I do not intend to seperate myself from the group AA, but to acknowledge and even celebrate the fact that because I am a Woman - there are differences biologically, emotionally and spiritually that I gain wisdom from other Alcoholic Woman than what I would from a man. I am not saying that I have not gained tremendous insight from my fellow Alcoholic Males, because there is a lot in common, but there are differences as well.

I could not fall asleep tonight and realized I did not read my daily reflection before bed. I tried to look up in my bible for verses regarding the male/female difference, but did not find any before my eyes started to droop. Maybe someone would have some verses handy for me.

Since becoming sober, sleep has been my number 1 problem. The nightmares, the tossing and the problem with shutting my spinning brain off. I trust God that these will subside in due time.

Not only do I talk to my Sponsor, but I have a therapist who thinks this blogging is a great idea. I am waiting on my book that I ordered "12 steps - a spiritual journey". It is a workbook that I will share on here.

For now, as the moon shines on my little one's face, I know that I have been given the greatest gift of all next to the gift of Jesus, it is the gift of being able to be honest for once and not to reinvent myself because God invented me just fine, but being able to redefine myself as a sober woman living a Godly life. One step, One day at a time. Tomorrow is a clean slate.

Finding My Sponsor

I consider how I found my sponsor as an act from God. As I said in my earlier post, I prayed daily on my knees while in rehab that God would lead me to the right sponsor right away. I did not want to go through a lot of temporary sponsors or find one that would not be a good fit. Boy did God answer that for me.

It was during my stay at the Halfway House that we went to a very large AA meeting. It was a speaker meeting which I usually do not go to a lot of those. I prefer the talking meetings as I get more from them, but I am glad I went to this meeting. Anyone who has stayed at a Halfway House knows you are required to attend so many meetings and this was one meeting I could have not gone to, but something told me I had to go.

The speaker that night was a woman about my age. She talked about her hectic life as an alcoholic and made light of some things to keep our attention. She was all smiles and always saying "I was having fun" when she referred to her drinking. But then she started talking about her children and how she came to a point when she didn't know if she loved her children. Those words hit me in the gut. That is the way I felt about my son. I know how horrible it sounds, but alcohol was a part of my life the whole time I had him around, so how did I know if I really did love him. All I knew is that I didn't remember lots of things about his young life and it hurt deeply..... maybe - that was love.. That deep hurt inside. I didn't know at the time. I did know that this woman was talking to me. I felt like the only person in that room of about 150 or so. The tears streamed and I kept hearing my fellow Halfway House people saying "I can't believe she said that about her children", and all I could think is "What bravery to have said the truth and that is how I feel". It was another one of those God moments where he told me that she was the one. I waited after the meeting to get her number.

I could spend another 10 posts telling you of the craziness of us getting together while I was still at the Halfway House, or how "Out of my mind" I felt during my first 3 months of sobriety, but I can say that she has stuck with me and sometimes I may not have deserved it. Like I said, I am complacent at times and slow with doing what I should do. That is part of the reason why I started this blog. It helps me. She can read it and point out things and others can and I am completely open to comments. Oh, and another God thing, she lives one street over from me and we met way up north.

An assignment she gave me for the first step is to list all my unmanagabilities. I have a hard copy that I will post for tomorrow. As for now, I say Good Night. By the Grace of God, I did not pick up a drink today or have the urge to.

STEP. 1 - Admittance

9 Months into Sobriety and I am finally working the steps. Steps 1-3 should go easily for me as I have already worked them on paper. I have decided to start this blog to help me organize my thoughts easily, as I tend to forget easily. I also pray that someone follows this blog and it helps them in some way.

I am alcoholic, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a child of God. I find comfort in knowing that God knew me from the beginning and knew the choices I would make and God chose this route for me for some reason that I have not understood yet.

My duration of active substance abuse was a short time compared to others in my AA groups, but what I have learned is that it does not matter. My crazy life began WAY before I ever picked up a drink (on a daily basis). I will go into that later.

I can bring you forward to where I was drinking about 1/2 Gallon of Gin daily in order to cope. This started after my son was born, so at that time I thought it was the thought of being a failure as a Mother that made me drink. I have since learned better and the Alcoholism is a disease that layed dorment in my system until a prescription drug (GHB) that I was prescribed for sleep issues turned on that switch. But as I said, looking over my life growing up, I had a crazy life way before I picked up that bottle of Gin.

So almost a year ago, I sat staring at my bottle and watching my son and I started to cry. Even through the haze of the booze - God was able to reach me and touch my heart. I knew I had to get help. I was no use to anyone the way I was so I reached out to my father, a dry alcoholic, who helped me get into my second treatment program. I stayed two weeks at this wonderful place where I learned it was a disease. I was never told this during my first rehab three years earlier where I was detoxed from the GHB. I was given a "Big Book" - the book Alcoholics use as a foundation to recovery. I even forced myself to stay at a Woman's Halfway House for a few weeks so I could concentrate on the early steps to recovery (finding a sponsor, a home group, and begin to attend AA meetings).

In AA we talk about Spiritual Awakenings. I always have considered this my first "Spiritual Awakening". God wanted me back so bad and he touched me through the fog of alcohol and lead me to the right place and the right people at the right time. It is amazing how God works even when you have little to give back. God saved my life, and probably my son's.

So by going into rehab and trying to learn what this AA thing is - I admitted I was powerless over Alcohol and my life had become unmanagable. More on unmanagability later. I had started to set a foundation for recovery and finding a sponsor was #2 on my list after sobering up. A year prior I had tried AA and had a sponsor that was dissappointing so I prayed that God lead me to the right sponsor the first time. I needed someone I understood and could talk to. I needed someone with patience and tolerance of my crazy mind, as I tend to become complacent and work things slowly. So tomorrow I will post on my sponsor.