Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I hate mornings
I don't know why I have such a hard time with mornings. I can get up ok because of my son, but it takes me an hour or so to get moving and some days I hardly move at all. So I thought I might do some blogging in the morning. I cannot find my daily reflection book. I hate that I lose things so much. Just like my house, my brain is so disorganized. My anxiety is showing its ugly head this morning. The doctor's are slowly pulling me off my anxiety medication so maybe that is it. I will have to buy another daily reflection book tonight at my meeting. My new sponsor and I are going out for coffee afterwards to get to know each other. Today I will start to work on the workbook on here after I clean the kitchen. ugh. The kitchen. Right now I cannot move. I wish I had an opportunity to really wake up and read my morning meditation before anyone gets up. Just another thing to add to my list of "should do's" ugh - morning.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Let's start from scratch
Ok Ok... I have been horrible at this. blogging thing. I am not going to make excuses but my old sponsor was not too into the whole "technology" thing when I am a "techy" kind of girl. New Sponsor? (you might be asking). I shoulda seen the headlights coming like at the end of a tunnel but I guess I was hoping things would be fine. We are still friends and all but she said I was not giving her anything. What am I supposed to give? Was I not honest enough? I am hard to get close to. I don't know what happened so I will call it a God thing and moved on. She helped save my life in the beginning. My main reason, at the beginning of my sobriety, for drinking was that I was not a good mother which I have moved past for the most part. I still think I was the best mother I could be and I am raising a son who seems to have suffered no permanent damage from me LOL. At one meeting I was feeling strange that I had not been an active drug or booze user for very long. It was off and on for 4 years and most people have drank for a while and I said that my crazy life started way before I picked up a drink. My unmanagables as I call them. My new sponsor picked up on this and I have listened to her for quite a while. She has many years of sobriety (that was not my main need), but she has a counseling in this field and she loves the Lord which is very important for me.
SOOOOOO for all you reading this I am going to do my VERY best at being consistant with my blog as I think this is theraputic. But I have a cool new workbook through my counselor that I want to work on and share on here. So I will start again with step 1 (for the workbooks sake LOL). 1 year and 1 month sober and I am going back to step one. Oh well. Since I lost my job I should find plenty of time to blog. I hope. 4 year olds have their own agenda.
God bless and Good Night
SOOOOOO for all you reading this I am going to do my VERY best at being consistant with my blog as I think this is theraputic. But I have a cool new workbook through my counselor that I want to work on and share on here. So I will start again with step 1 (for the workbooks sake LOL). 1 year and 1 month sober and I am going back to step one. Oh well. Since I lost my job I should find plenty of time to blog. I hope. 4 year olds have their own agenda.
God bless and Good Night
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Inconsistancy
I have not blogged in a while. I don't know if it is the added responsibility of work on top of going to therapy and working the steps and AA that has caused me to quit this, or if it my lazyness of not doing something which is beneficial to my recovery. Either way, I have been complacent about this blog and for those who follow - I am sorry.
My son has been sick with the cooties all week. I took him to the doctor and he has strep throat and walking pneumonia. It must be from starting preschool. I had it first and we all have seemed to pass it around the house twice in the last 4 weeks. This has not been fun and it leaves me paranoid that I will lose my job as I am the primary caretaker of him. My husband cannot take off work for these things, and he makes the bulk of the money, so we cannot afford for him to lose his job. I have been assured, through my boss, that all is ok. But I still get paranoid.
I am still working my unmanagables and have managed to finally get them in print format. When I met with my sponsor this week, we went over them and I told her that I was going to post them and write a little bit about all of them. Which I will today.
Spring is trying to arrive. My tulips are up with unopened bulbs at the end and small buds are appearing on my cherry tree. Almost time for my allergy season - ugh. I would much rather it stay like Autumn all year.
My son has been sick with the cooties all week. I took him to the doctor and he has strep throat and walking pneumonia. It must be from starting preschool. I had it first and we all have seemed to pass it around the house twice in the last 4 weeks. This has not been fun and it leaves me paranoid that I will lose my job as I am the primary caretaker of him. My husband cannot take off work for these things, and he makes the bulk of the money, so we cannot afford for him to lose his job. I have been assured, through my boss, that all is ok. But I still get paranoid.
I am still working my unmanagables and have managed to finally get them in print format. When I met with my sponsor this week, we went over them and I told her that I was going to post them and write a little bit about all of them. Which I will today.
Spring is trying to arrive. My tulips are up with unopened bulbs at the end and small buds are appearing on my cherry tree. Almost time for my allergy season - ugh. I would much rather it stay like Autumn all year.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I'm Part of the Whole
At once, I became a part - if only a tiny part-if a cosmos.... As Bill Sees It. p. 225
It goes on to say:
When I first came to AA, I decided that "they" were very nice people-perhaps a little naive, a little too friendly, but basically decent, earnest people (with whom I had nothing in common). I saw "them" at meetings-after all, that was where "they"existed. I shook hands with "them" and when I went out the door, I forgot about ""them".
Then one day my Higher Power, whom I did not believe in, arranged to create a community project outside of AA, but one which happened to involve many AA members. We worked together. I got to know "them" as people. I came to admire "them," even to like "them" and, in sppite of myself, to enjoy "them". "Their" practice of the program in their daily lives-not just in talk at meetings- attracted me and I wanted what they had. Suddenly the "they became "we". I have not had a drink since.
My thoughts:
One of my first dreads after drying up in detox was becoming accountable to an AA meeting schedule. It was just another "thing" I was not wanting to do. I felt like I would be walking into a room and everyone would stare at me or that I would be around a bunch of loser drunks who had all screwed up their lives. My selfish side felt like I was "too good" for these people and I would have nothing in common with them.
I remember walking into my first AA meeting and looking around and seeing people from all different walks of life. I saw a lady that looked like my mother in law, a biker guy, a teenager, and all different kinds of people. I looked at them. I listened to them and went home.
I still struggled with finding a group that I felt like I really belonged and I still felt like a thorn sticking out of a smooth surface. I still felt like I was too good for "these" people. I didn't want to be accountable to any group of any kind. I still struggle with the consistancy of going to meetings.
It wasn't until last fall when I finally felt the unity of the group. My sponsor invited me to go to a weekend camping trip with some fellow AA folk from her home group. I said I would go, but didn't really mean it at that time. Something nudged me to go and I was scared. I didn't want to stick out. I didn't want people to look at me. I remember I wanted to drive in the carpool, not only so I could smoke when I wanted to, but I wanted controll over something and driving would keep my attention on the road and I wouldn't have to interact as much with these people. I wanted my sponsor attached to me at the hip.
We would rotate people in the cars everytime we stopped, which immediately created a panic in me. I had to meet and talk to new people. I dreaded it. All the way there during that 3 hour drive I felt like I was the one everyone was talking about in the other cars.
Something happened during that camping trip that caused me to feel like a complete fool. It was almost like God was telling me, "What makes you think you are so special that these people are only focusing on you, get your head out of your ass and your ego out of the sky and have fun". It was probably the second day that I did just that. I did not wonder where my sponsor was all the time and started talking to people. I really tried, for the first time, to remind myself that these people aren't thinking how fat I am or how funny I look. Or those people on the bench are not whispering about me. I started to have fun.
On the way back, I had a blast, and I was driving. It was that weekend that started to change me regarding "these" people and how I thought about them.
I picked a home group that I felt comfortable with. A smaller group and tried to make an effort to go every week. Failing to do that quite often, but I am getting better.
I remember I was going consistantly for a few months and I missed a week. When I returned the following week, my absense was actually noticed. Part of my self-esteem problem is that I think that I am overlooked or not really cared about, or when I am noticed it is only in a negative way. But they noticed and missed me. Since I do try to contribute to each meeting by talking, my absense was noticed.
It was this moment that made me feel like I was a "part" of this group. In a positive way, I think I am looked at. Now I firmly believe that Satan wants me to think otherwise and will frequently put negative thoughts in my head which makes it difficult for me to maintain consistancy in going to the group everyweek (another one of my unmanagables). I have to pray every Wednesday for the willingness from God to go to the meeting, but the more I go, the more I feel like I am a part of something. Most importantly, I have the one thing in common with "these" people and that is the obsession for Alcohol. That one thread unites and the best part is we all seem to have the same higher power - Jesus Christ.
It goes on to say:
When I first came to AA, I decided that "they" were very nice people-perhaps a little naive, a little too friendly, but basically decent, earnest people (with whom I had nothing in common). I saw "them" at meetings-after all, that was where "they"existed. I shook hands with "them" and when I went out the door, I forgot about ""them".
Then one day my Higher Power, whom I did not believe in, arranged to create a community project outside of AA, but one which happened to involve many AA members. We worked together. I got to know "them" as people. I came to admire "them," even to like "them" and, in sppite of myself, to enjoy "them". "Their" practice of the program in their daily lives-not just in talk at meetings- attracted me and I wanted what they had. Suddenly the "they became "we". I have not had a drink since.
My thoughts:
One of my first dreads after drying up in detox was becoming accountable to an AA meeting schedule. It was just another "thing" I was not wanting to do. I felt like I would be walking into a room and everyone would stare at me or that I would be around a bunch of loser drunks who had all screwed up their lives. My selfish side felt like I was "too good" for these people and I would have nothing in common with them.
I remember walking into my first AA meeting and looking around and seeing people from all different walks of life. I saw a lady that looked like my mother in law, a biker guy, a teenager, and all different kinds of people. I looked at them. I listened to them and went home.
I still struggled with finding a group that I felt like I really belonged and I still felt like a thorn sticking out of a smooth surface. I still felt like I was too good for "these" people. I didn't want to be accountable to any group of any kind. I still struggle with the consistancy of going to meetings.
It wasn't until last fall when I finally felt the unity of the group. My sponsor invited me to go to a weekend camping trip with some fellow AA folk from her home group. I said I would go, but didn't really mean it at that time. Something nudged me to go and I was scared. I didn't want to stick out. I didn't want people to look at me. I remember I wanted to drive in the carpool, not only so I could smoke when I wanted to, but I wanted controll over something and driving would keep my attention on the road and I wouldn't have to interact as much with these people. I wanted my sponsor attached to me at the hip.
We would rotate people in the cars everytime we stopped, which immediately created a panic in me. I had to meet and talk to new people. I dreaded it. All the way there during that 3 hour drive I felt like I was the one everyone was talking about in the other cars.
Something happened during that camping trip that caused me to feel like a complete fool. It was almost like God was telling me, "What makes you think you are so special that these people are only focusing on you, get your head out of your ass and your ego out of the sky and have fun". It was probably the second day that I did just that. I did not wonder where my sponsor was all the time and started talking to people. I really tried, for the first time, to remind myself that these people aren't thinking how fat I am or how funny I look. Or those people on the bench are not whispering about me. I started to have fun.
On the way back, I had a blast, and I was driving. It was that weekend that started to change me regarding "these" people and how I thought about them.
I picked a home group that I felt comfortable with. A smaller group and tried to make an effort to go every week. Failing to do that quite often, but I am getting better.
I remember I was going consistantly for a few months and I missed a week. When I returned the following week, my absense was actually noticed. Part of my self-esteem problem is that I think that I am overlooked or not really cared about, or when I am noticed it is only in a negative way. But they noticed and missed me. Since I do try to contribute to each meeting by talking, my absense was noticed.
It was this moment that made me feel like I was a "part" of this group. In a positive way, I think I am looked at. Now I firmly believe that Satan wants me to think otherwise and will frequently put negative thoughts in my head which makes it difficult for me to maintain consistancy in going to the group everyweek (another one of my unmanagables). I have to pray every Wednesday for the willingness from God to go to the meeting, but the more I go, the more I feel like I am a part of something. Most importantly, I have the one thing in common with "these" people and that is the obsession for Alcohol. That one thread unites and the best part is we all seem to have the same higher power - Jesus Christ.
Cooties
It was interesting this morning watching the rain turn slowly into sleet and then to snow. It is amazing to me how God has created each and every thing and if I take the time, and slow down, I can notice the slightest change.
I remember when I first got sober how vibrant and extreme everything around me seemed. It was like my senses were on hyper mode for about 3 months. The colors seemed brighter, the noises louder, smells and tastes were all more potent. At that time, most of it irritated me. It was like all of the sudden I had the "Oh Shit factor".
My sponsor told me that she once heard what SOBER really means - "Son of a Bitch, everything is REAL". That is exactly how you feel. FEELING was uncomfortable. Sometimes it still is, but now it isn't all the time. I can actually enjoy most of the pleasant feelings and actually enjoy noticing things around me such as this morning with the snow.
Now going out and driving in it is a different story. I had to go to the immediate care with my son so we could get checked out and get notes to go back to work/preschool on Monday. I am looking forward to the routine again. Being out a week makes me feel lazy. I was so sick this week. Turns out I have strep throat, an ear and bladder infection. No wonder I have been feeling the "ick" as I have said in previous posts.
I had a hard time waking up this morning. With my husband here on the weekend I don't feel like I have to keep one eye open all the time if I need to doze on the couch and I did sleep in quite a bit on the couch.
Nothing much got done today regarding my unmanagables, but by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Hopefully with the antibiotics in my system, the ick will be gone mostly tomorrow and I can work on cleaning and organizing my house. This task is high on my unmanagables - this is a totally long post in itself which I will go into later.
I remember when I first got sober how vibrant and extreme everything around me seemed. It was like my senses were on hyper mode for about 3 months. The colors seemed brighter, the noises louder, smells and tastes were all more potent. At that time, most of it irritated me. It was like all of the sudden I had the "Oh Shit factor".
My sponsor told me that she once heard what SOBER really means - "Son of a Bitch, everything is REAL". That is exactly how you feel. FEELING was uncomfortable. Sometimes it still is, but now it isn't all the time. I can actually enjoy most of the pleasant feelings and actually enjoy noticing things around me such as this morning with the snow.
Now going out and driving in it is a different story. I had to go to the immediate care with my son so we could get checked out and get notes to go back to work/preschool on Monday. I am looking forward to the routine again. Being out a week makes me feel lazy. I was so sick this week. Turns out I have strep throat, an ear and bladder infection. No wonder I have been feeling the "ick" as I have said in previous posts.
I had a hard time waking up this morning. With my husband here on the weekend I don't feel like I have to keep one eye open all the time if I need to doze on the couch and I did sleep in quite a bit on the couch.
Nothing much got done today regarding my unmanagables, but by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Hopefully with the antibiotics in my system, the ick will be gone mostly tomorrow and I can work on cleaning and organizing my house. This task is high on my unmanagables - this is a totally long post in itself which I will go into later.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Daily Reflection - The Gift of Laughter
At this juncture, his AA sponsor usually laughs. -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 26
It goes on to say.....
Before my recovery from alcoholism began, laughter was one of the most painful sounds I knew. I never laughed and I felt that anyone else's laughter was directed at me! My self-pity and anger denied me the simplest of pleasures or lightneess of heart. By the end of my drinking not even alcohol could provoke a drunken giggle in me.
When my AA sponsor began to laugh and point out my self-pity and ego-feeding deceptions, I was annoyed and hurt, but it taught me to lighten up and focus on my recovery. I soon learned to laugh at myself and eventually I taught those I sponsor to laugh also. Every day I ask God to help me stop taking myself too seriously.
My thoughts:
Sometimes I think that God was asleep when my father's sperm met my mother's egg. Or another one I say is that my sister got the best of my parents while I got the worst.
I can remember a time when I could laugh and could laugh at myself. It seems as though I am fearful of feeling the joy of laughter because it all too soon goes away like the dew in the morning sun. I am constantly thinking people are laughing or talking about me. I think I am ugly, fat and totally unpredictable. These feelings are very apparent on days like today when I feel the "ick" as I said in my first post today.
I am uncomfortable around crowds. I can remember when I would social drink. I was heavier then, but in order for me to open up I had to slam back at least 4 shots of "Screaming Nazi's".
Now I feel like I have to force laughter. I know that is probably not true all the time, but when I get the "ick" it is hard to remember anything joyful.
It is Friday - my 10 year anniversary being married to the same man. At least I have been consistant at that. Good Night
It goes on to say.....
Before my recovery from alcoholism began, laughter was one of the most painful sounds I knew. I never laughed and I felt that anyone else's laughter was directed at me! My self-pity and anger denied me the simplest of pleasures or lightneess of heart. By the end of my drinking not even alcohol could provoke a drunken giggle in me.
When my AA sponsor began to laugh and point out my self-pity and ego-feeding deceptions, I was annoyed and hurt, but it taught me to lighten up and focus on my recovery. I soon learned to laugh at myself and eventually I taught those I sponsor to laugh also. Every day I ask God to help me stop taking myself too seriously.
My thoughts:
Sometimes I think that God was asleep when my father's sperm met my mother's egg. Or another one I say is that my sister got the best of my parents while I got the worst.
I can remember a time when I could laugh and could laugh at myself. It seems as though I am fearful of feeling the joy of laughter because it all too soon goes away like the dew in the morning sun. I am constantly thinking people are laughing or talking about me. I think I am ugly, fat and totally unpredictable. These feelings are very apparent on days like today when I feel the "ick" as I said in my first post today.
I am uncomfortable around crowds. I can remember when I would social drink. I was heavier then, but in order for me to open up I had to slam back at least 4 shots of "Screaming Nazi's".
Now I feel like I have to force laughter. I know that is probably not true all the time, but when I get the "ick" it is hard to remember anything joyful.
It is Friday - my 10 year anniversary being married to the same man. At least I have been consistant at that. Good Night
In the Funk
I awoke this morning with the "ick". My Sponsor tells me that this is a feeling I get when I am not doing something right. Since I have been trying to start my day with reading the daily pages in my big book (which I don't have at the moment due to my son deciding to rip pages from it and color happy faces all over the others). They have it online, but the internet was down. My therapist wants me to follow how I feel because of also having depression.
I could say a lot about my health issues, but I try not to focus on them as much anymore. I found that if I don't dwell on them, they seem to not be as bad. But the "ick" is a heaviness in my middle and it almost makes me feel like I cannot put my shoes on and start the day. Maybe it is because we have all been sick in this house for the whole week. I started working at my son's preschool and I got the preschool cooties which have knocked me flat for a week.
I am still hacking and sneezing, but not as bad. Just fatigue. Fatigue is no new thing with me. Maybe it is my hormones causing me to look at everything so badly. Maybe it is because I forgot to call upon God and to send his Angels down to protect and guide.
I spent most of the morning sleeping while my son watched Noggin. Dozing mostly as I had one eye half open on him and both ears on alert. God bless his little heart, he knows when I feel bad I sleep.
It will be good to be back in a routine again next week with going back to work.
I still need to post my "unmanagables". Not in the mood. Just trying to stay consistant with this. Wondering if anyone is reading this.
It is getting late and I am going to try to go to sleep at a good time tonight. Want to catch up on what "Major Mom" is doing on her blog. She is a sweet person I met while I was hyperfocusing on my son's Christmas present "pixos". Those damn beads have become quite theraputic for me if I don't hyperfocus and overdo it - letting my unmanagables become totally out of controll.
My husband forgot to take all the trash out. AGAIN!!!!...... ugh.
Well, by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Just the ick and I don't know what it is from.
I could say a lot about my health issues, but I try not to focus on them as much anymore. I found that if I don't dwell on them, they seem to not be as bad. But the "ick" is a heaviness in my middle and it almost makes me feel like I cannot put my shoes on and start the day. Maybe it is because we have all been sick in this house for the whole week. I started working at my son's preschool and I got the preschool cooties which have knocked me flat for a week.
I am still hacking and sneezing, but not as bad. Just fatigue. Fatigue is no new thing with me. Maybe it is my hormones causing me to look at everything so badly. Maybe it is because I forgot to call upon God and to send his Angels down to protect and guide.
I spent most of the morning sleeping while my son watched Noggin. Dozing mostly as I had one eye half open on him and both ears on alert. God bless his little heart, he knows when I feel bad I sleep.
It will be good to be back in a routine again next week with going back to work.
I still need to post my "unmanagables". Not in the mood. Just trying to stay consistant with this. Wondering if anyone is reading this.
It is getting late and I am going to try to go to sleep at a good time tonight. Want to catch up on what "Major Mom" is doing on her blog. She is a sweet person I met while I was hyperfocusing on my son's Christmas present "pixos". Those damn beads have become quite theraputic for me if I don't hyperfocus and overdo it - letting my unmanagables become totally out of controll.
My husband forgot to take all the trash out. AGAIN!!!!...... ugh.
Well, by the Grace of God I did not drink today, nor did I have the desire. Just the ick and I don't know what it is from.
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