Christmas Blah

Usually this time of year is exciting for me. I liked putting up the tree, decorating the house, and being part of all the Holiday festivities. But recently I have been having a problem of being very unsettled. I cannot sit and try to enjoy something. It is kinda like not knowing what to do with myself. A fellow AA friend said that I need to find things I enjoy doing. I have plenty of things to occupy my time but I do not enjoy them. I have a whole craft room full of ceramics to paint, beads to string and other things but I cannot force myself to sit and do them because I am so unsettled and cannot enjoy things. This is a very uncomfortable feeling. As an example, I am having this problem right now. I have quite a few things to do around the house to prepare for my son returning home but nothing feels good. It is almost like everything feels so foreign. So I decided to sit and journal for a minute on here to see if this helps.

My husband is still in bed and it is 1:00. I need him to help me with the things around the house. He needs to vacume the upstairs so I can start to move our son's toys up there. It is frustrating to me when my husband does this. He complains so much that he has a hard time getting up in the morning, yet, he spends a lot of time on the computer. I have suggested that he start a bedtime routine. Like most things, these suggestions fall on deaf ears.

I am feeling overwhelmed by what I need to get done before my son comes home. I know there isn't that much and I shouldn't let myself get overwhelmed, but my ADD brain has a hard time sorting everything out. Prioritizing is not one of my strong abilities.

Finally, my husband is up. Let's see how much I can accomplish today.

70 days and counting

Well, this time I really went overboard. I relapsed AGAIN. I had to go into rehab AGAIN. As a result of my relapse, my son is staying at my sister's for 60 days (which will be over in a week). I also had to find a new sponsor because my old one dumped me AGAIN. But as I have said before, I believe that God has a purpose for my relapse. What that purpose is? I don't know. Today I have 70 days of sobriety and I am still pissed. I love my new sponsor. We grew up together and I find it easy to connect with her. This is good because I normally don't like women so this is a big hurdle for me. One of my favorite meetings is a Woman's only meeting. I was scared as hell going to that one for the first time. (Like I thought the ceiling would fall in on me once I stepped foot in the room). Ha.

I have also been working on my depression and one of the things I am supposed to do daily is journal. As you can see, I have not been consistant at this blogging thing, but I will try. My format will change, as I am not going to keep putting all the questions and answers on here. It will strictly be about me, my recovery, my thoughts, the daily reflection, and other tidbits that I will decide as I go along.

For now I am going to bed.