Usually this time of year is exciting for me. I liked putting up the tree, decorating the house, and being part of all the Holiday festivities. But recently I have been having a problem of being very unsettled. I cannot sit and try to enjoy something. It is kinda like not knowing what to do with myself. A fellow AA friend said that I need to find things I enjoy doing. I have plenty of things to occupy my time but I do not enjoy them. I have a whole craft room full of ceramics to paint, beads to string and other things but I cannot force myself to sit and do them because I am so unsettled and cannot enjoy things. This is a very uncomfortable feeling. As an example, I am having this problem right now. I have quite a few things to do around the house to prepare for my son returning home but nothing feels good. It is almost like everything feels so foreign. So I decided to sit and journal for a minute on here to see if this helps.
My husband is still in bed and it is 1:00. I need him to help me with the things around the house. He needs to vacume the upstairs so I can start to move our son's toys up there. It is frustrating to me when my husband does this. He complains so much that he has a hard time getting up in the morning, yet, he spends a lot of time on the computer. I have suggested that he start a bedtime routine. Like most things, these suggestions fall on deaf ears.
I am feeling overwhelmed by what I need to get done before my son comes home. I know there isn't that much and I shouldn't let myself get overwhelmed, but my ADD brain has a hard time sorting everything out. Prioritizing is not one of my strong abilities.
Finally, my husband is up. Let's see how much I can accomplish today.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
70 days and counting
Well, this time I really went overboard. I relapsed AGAIN. I had to go into rehab AGAIN. As a result of my relapse, my son is staying at my sister's for 60 days (which will be over in a week). I also had to find a new sponsor because my old one dumped me AGAIN. But as I have said before, I believe that God has a purpose for my relapse. What that purpose is? I don't know. Today I have 70 days of sobriety and I am still pissed. I love my new sponsor. We grew up together and I find it easy to connect with her. This is good because I normally don't like women so this is a big hurdle for me. One of my favorite meetings is a Woman's only meeting. I was scared as hell going to that one for the first time. (Like I thought the ceiling would fall in on me once I stepped foot in the room). Ha.
I have also been working on my depression and one of the things I am supposed to do daily is journal. As you can see, I have not been consistant at this blogging thing, but I will try. My format will change, as I am not going to keep putting all the questions and answers on here. It will strictly be about me, my recovery, my thoughts, the daily reflection, and other tidbits that I will decide as I go along.
For now I am going to bed.
I have also been working on my depression and one of the things I am supposed to do daily is journal. As you can see, I have not been consistant at this blogging thing, but I will try. My format will change, as I am not going to keep putting all the questions and answers on here. It will strictly be about me, my recovery, my thoughts, the daily reflection, and other tidbits that I will decide as I go along.
For now I am going to bed.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Step 1 - admitted - bble verse
Step 1 -We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
The workbook follows a more spiritual side and says "We admitted we were powerless over the effects of our separation from God - that our lives had become unmanageable".
Bible verse - I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18)
The workbook follows a more spiritual side and says "We admitted we were powerless over the effects of our separation from God - that our lives had become unmanageable".
Bible verse - I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18)
Relapse and how to read the comments
So I relapsed. A big one as well. I had 14 months sober and my husband still was not going to work consistantly so I drank myself into a 2 day blackout. My husband was home and I was honest with him and told him I either had to go back to rehab or try to wean off using alcohol. I chose to wean and I did it successfully. I now have 4 days sober and I got a startover token last night at the meeting where we discussed step one again. I am over beating myself over the head. My husband has not been to work all week and I am trying not to have too much anxiety over it. He does not drink but now uses me as an excuse as to why he isn't going. My sponsor pretty much said that is BS and that is like me saying I relapsed because he is not working all the time. I got him to agree to go to work in the morning and get the appropriate HR paperwork so he can take a short term dissability. So I am starting over in my workbook and typing it on here again.
As I work in the workbook. The bible verse will be in italic. Words directly from the book will be in regular type. My thoughts will be italic. The questions will be in bold, but my answers will be in italic.
As I work in the workbook. The bible verse will be in italic. Words directly from the book will be in regular type. My thoughts will be italic. The questions will be in bold, but my answers will be in italic.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I am feeling like shit today. I want to go strangle my husband for missing work 2 days in a row again. I am worried and anxious about his job. If he loses it, we are screwed. He doesnt seem to understand that he is the financial providor of this family and blames me for his own mishaps. "well, you had a doctors appointment" was the one today. I was going to take our son. I woke up with him covered on a blanket sitting head down at his computer desk. He says he is worn out. I told him if he needs time off work, do it the right way and go see a doctor and have them put you on a short term dissability. I understand he is depressed. He is now willing to see a doctor and go on meds, but I worry worry worry. Like today, I had a doctor's appoitment so he could help me come off an anxiety medication, and he used that as an excuse not to work. "I" am always the excuse. I am hoping his boss is compassionate and lets him have some time to work through his stuggles, but since I have worked in HR for so long at big corporations I know they say one thing and next thing you know, no job. So that is my major prayer today to please let my husband hold onto his job. It is our one consistancy. He got great reviews last year and now I don't know. I want to call his boss myself and tell him what is going on. In fact I might do that.
Friday, May 29, 2009
I hate these feelings
My husband only worked 2 out of 4 days this week and he does not call in. I tried the "non nagging" approach but it did not work. He is still in bed. He stays up until the wee hours of the morning gaming. He plays World of Warcraft online. This is like Dungeons and Dragons of my day and there was just a show on TV about people addicted to it and actually preffering their "online world" over their "real world". I don't work. This REALLY stresses me out. He supports our family. I cannot handle anymore. NO MORE CHAOS. I want out of here so bad. I can think about me and my son but add the extra burdons of my husband - I cannot do it. I know they say that God will not put you through more than you can handle, but God is pushing the envelope this time. I cannot be responsible for my husband anymore. It is hard enough to work on my recovery and my son and myself without worrying about him. I seriously think we need some time apart. He needs to work on himself and I need to work on myself. I have nowhere to go.
Workbook - week one continued
The book says:
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensatte for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood altering substances such as drugs and alcohol.
4. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feelings? Well obviously I used to use drugs and alcohol, but as I have said before, my crazy life began way before I picked up a drink. I can remember in childhood I used to lie lie lie and manipulate. I have seen this habit in my adult life as well. I have been trying to work on this during the past year. Sometimes I lie and I don't even know I did it. I have prayed that God would show me these before and after they happen. I know my whole family has been frustrated with me that I change my story quite frequently. This has been hard for me to break. The only way I can describe it is that I tell someone I bought two green trash cans and then say I bought two black trash cans. It is not that I am lying. I have the idea correct, just the details get mixed up. I try not to make excuses for this, but I have tried to figure out why this happens to me so much. When talking to my therapist she reminded me that I talk so fast. I talk faster than my brain goes. I need to try to pause before I answer. I have also used overeating as a way to cope. I feel like my whole life has been based on lies. I always want people to think that things are better or that I am something different than I truely am. I hate this because it has got me to this point that I am today that I really don't know who I am. I hyperfocus on things to cope. I overspend to cope.
The book says: God has given us free will. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfectiion means we need God, and that is OK
5. Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendecy to deny your need for healing. This one is a hard thing for me to answer. As an adult, although I am a Christian, I was constantly seeking ways to change. But I can see how my addiction, and before that my "life" got in the way of my relationship with God. As a teenager and young adult I was very involved in Church and the youth group. I think I used this as a show so everyone would like me. Back then I remember feeling embarrassed to seek help for what was really going through my head because everyone viewed me as something I really wasnt
The book says: Working the steps with God's help enables us to acknowledge much of our negative or repressed nature. This process is similar to sunlight and shadow. When we stand in the sunlight, we see that we cast a shadow. In the same way, as we begin to work the steps and measure ourselves by God's standards and principles, we see our need. We learn to look fearlessly at our "shadow"-that part of us that has been ignored for so long. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
Thought: God's judgment: we get what we deserve.
God's mercy: we don't get what we deserve.
God's grace: we get more than we deserve.
God doesn't have any problems, only plans.
6. What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow? The first thing that comes to mind is my inconsistancy with everything in my life. I start out with good "intentions" and only get lazy and don't follow through. I guess my next behavior is lazyness. I hate this. I also have the bad behavior of not telling the whole story or speaking before I think like I said above. I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people and manipulate. I am always thinking of "me" first.
The book ends week 1 with this: With God's power, the Twelve-Step program can be a tool to relive our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
In our present environments, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensatte for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships, our church, and our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood altering substances such as drugs and alcohol.
4. What behaviors do you use to compensate for or cover your uncomfortable feelings? Well obviously I used to use drugs and alcohol, but as I have said before, my crazy life began way before I picked up a drink. I can remember in childhood I used to lie lie lie and manipulate. I have seen this habit in my adult life as well. I have been trying to work on this during the past year. Sometimes I lie and I don't even know I did it. I have prayed that God would show me these before and after they happen. I know my whole family has been frustrated with me that I change my story quite frequently. This has been hard for me to break. The only way I can describe it is that I tell someone I bought two green trash cans and then say I bought two black trash cans. It is not that I am lying. I have the idea correct, just the details get mixed up. I try not to make excuses for this, but I have tried to figure out why this happens to me so much. When talking to my therapist she reminded me that I talk so fast. I talk faster than my brain goes. I need to try to pause before I answer. I have also used overeating as a way to cope. I feel like my whole life has been based on lies. I always want people to think that things are better or that I am something different than I truely am. I hate this because it has got me to this point that I am today that I really don't know who I am. I hyperfocus on things to cope. I overspend to cope.
The book says: God has given us free will. It is important to set aside some of our negative childhood messages and begin the work of learning new behaviors that will better serve us. Many Christians know their lives are in turmoil despite their intense devotion to religion. Unfortunately, for some, to admit to imperfection might mean we are not good Christians. In reality, to admit to imperfectiion means we need God, and that is OK
5. Explain how your religious experience reinforced your tendecy to deny your need for healing. This one is a hard thing for me to answer. As an adult, although I am a Christian, I was constantly seeking ways to change. But I can see how my addiction, and before that my "life" got in the way of my relationship with God. As a teenager and young adult I was very involved in Church and the youth group. I think I used this as a show so everyone would like me. Back then I remember feeling embarrassed to seek help for what was really going through my head because everyone viewed me as something I really wasnt
The book says: Working the steps with God's help enables us to acknowledge much of our negative or repressed nature. This process is similar to sunlight and shadow. When we stand in the sunlight, we see that we cast a shadow. In the same way, as we begin to work the steps and measure ourselves by God's standards and principles, we see our need. We learn to look fearlessly at our "shadow"-that part of us that has been ignored for so long. Through our relationship with Christ we are able to redefine the limits we set for ourselves, and we discover that "all things are possible" for those who love God.
Thought: God's judgment: we get what we deserve.
God's mercy: we don't get what we deserve.
God's grace: we get more than we deserve.
God doesn't have any problems, only plans.
6. What unwanted behaviors do you see in your shadow? The first thing that comes to mind is my inconsistancy with everything in my life. I start out with good "intentions" and only get lazy and don't follow through. I guess my next behavior is lazyness. I hate this. I also have the bad behavior of not telling the whole story or speaking before I think like I said above. I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people and manipulate. I am always thinking of "me" first.
The book ends week 1 with this: With God's power, the Twelve-Step program can be a tool to relive our suffering, fill our emptiness, and help us extend God's presence in our lives. This releases energy, love, and joy that are new to us. It is a program we follow at our own pace, in our own way. We walk this journey one step at a time, with God's help and with the support of others in the program. All we need is an open mind. Much of the work is done by God's Spirit working through us. If we work the steps faithfully, we notice improvements in ourselves: our awareness, our sensitivity, our ability to love and be free. Our spiritual and emotional growth may surprise us.
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